They buried their abuse for decades. Must-see interview gives greater insight into how young boys respond to sexual abuse.
Former Little Leaguers, James Manfredonia, Bruce Morrison and Timothy Morey had spent nearly half a century hiding a secret. Now, thanks to a newly passed law in New York State, they have filed lawsuits against their former Little League coach Tony Sagona, who they claim had sexually abused them.
Source: NBCnews.com. https://www.nbcnews.com/video/he-was-bothered-by-the-sandusky-story-for-years-a-new-law-allowed-him-to-speak-out-and-seek-justice-73431109653
Great resources, carefully selected, on key topics related to the sexual abuse and assault of boys and men
Here’s a list of carefully vetted resources on key topics related to the sexual abuse and assault of boys and men from 1in6.org. Each has been determined to offer a positive, hopeful message about the potential for healing and recovery and has been found useful by many men with histories of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, as well as the people who care about them.
Please note that some books may contain graphic content. If you need support, visit the free and anonymous 24/7 national helpline to chat with a trained advocate.
After selecting a category below, you’ll see a list of recommended titles and links to their Amazon pages. For men who are incarcerated, one book is available to borrow for free.
1in6.org, chat confidentially with a trained advocate, 24/7 Chat now
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Male survivors have a much higher risk of depression and PTSD, alcohol and drug abuse, and suicide than other men. More and more males are finding support through group therapy and online resources.
When Sam was 12 years old, he was targeted by a child molester. Sam (whose name, like all survivors in this story, has been changed at his request) asked a neighbor for assistance on a school project. While he worked, the man surprised him by touching him inappropriately. The abuse continued for another five years and included violent rape and other crimes.
As is the case with so many child sexual abuse cases, the man manipulated and terrified Sam with threats of what would happen if he told anybody. Sam kept quiet, but the abuse affected him profoundly. His grades slipped and he became withdrawn and depressed. Teachers noticed that he was struggling, but never thought to inquire as to why his behavior had gone from upbeat and enthusiastic to depressed and disengaged. In one class, Sam forgot an an assignment, and the teacher gave him two weeks of detention. Continue reading…
— Article source- Joanna Schroeder. brightthemag.com/for-male-survivors-healing-through-chat-77132a56dc6f. Accessed- October 28, 2019.
If you are an adult concerned for a friend or loved one who you know or suspect has experienced sexual abuse as a child, your support and understanding can be critical to their recovery.
Adults who have had experiences of sexual abuse as children need and deserve a chance to speak about their experiences with those who understand and can help.
Survivors of child sexual abuse can also play a critical role in the prevention of further abuse to other children. If you or someone you love needs support to recover, now is the time to reach out for help. Find the support you deserve.
If you are a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, it is very important to seek professional support and guidance for your recovery.
The impact of sexual abuse by another child, teen or adult can change over time. The changes unfold as a young person grows into adulthood and continue throughout a lifetime.
Even if you were offered support and resources earlier in life, if you are feeling the need for support at this time, we encourage you to seek the help you need and deserve. You can find resources and support here.
If you feel that the person who abused you currently poses a risk to a child or teen, it is important to share your concerns with others who can be allies to you in taking steps to protect this young person. We can help you find allies who share your concerns.
Perhaps you are recognizing signs of risk in the child or the adult. Maybe this child is near the age when you yourself suffered abuse. We urge you to trust your intuitions and act on your instincts by speaking to other adults who can take steps to protect this child.
There are many steps that can be taken before a child is harmed. You don’t have to wait until there is “proof” that abuse has occurred to act.
Learn about the statute of limitations in your state for reporting child sexual abuse. Filing reports about your own abuse (with the support of a counselor) can be a step to take if you believe that the same person who harmed you may have abused someone who is now a minor.
If others are already concerned, your coming forward can help ease the burden of disclosure the child or teen may be facing.
Care enough to take the risk and talk about it. If you are an adult concerned for a friend or loved one who you know or suspect has experienced sexual abuse as a child, your support and understanding can be critical to their recovery.
There are many resources that can help you to better understand what an adult survivor may be experiencing now and how the recovery process evolves over time. Sharing the resources you find here with the person you’re concerned about is a great place to start.
Support resources for family, friends and partners are important as well – by acknowledging how a loved one’s abuse can personally affect you, you are taking a step in becoming a safe adult for those who experienced sexual abuse.
Source: Stopitnow.org. https://stopitnow.org/help-guidance/online-help-center/adult-survivor. Accessed- September 19, 2019
Archbishop’s response to mandatory child sex abuse reporting labelled ‘pig-headed’.
Australia- Melbourne’s Catholic archbishop insists three years jail is preferable to breaking the seal of confession and reporting child sexual abuse to authorities.
Priests will risk prison if they don’t report child abuse revealed to them during the sacrament of confession, under new laws introduced in Victoria.
The bill, introduced into state parliament would make religious ministers mandatory reporters of abuse suspicions alongside police, teachers, medical practitioners and early childhood workers.
“I don’t think in contemporary and mainstream times, knowing what we know now, that we can do anything other than say the rights of children trump anyone’s religious views,” the attorney general, Jill Hennessy, told reporters.
“Ultimately this is about making sure that we start to right the wrongs of systemic abuse.”
Archbishop Peter Comensoli said he’d ask someone who admitted abuse to tell him outside the box but if they refused he would “keep the seal”.
“I hold the principle of mandatory reporting … and I also hold onto the principle of the seal of confession. My own position is that I don’t see that as mutually exclusive,” he told ABC Radio on Wednesday.
The archbishop’s office later released a statement saying the church welcomed the proposed expansion of mandatory reporting to include religious ministers, but denied the seal of confession was an obstacle to mandatory reporting.
“Confession doesn’t place people above the law. Priests should be mandatory reporters, but in a similar way to protections to the lawyer/client relationship and protection for journalists’ sources.”
Catholic archbishops in the ACT and South Australia have also vowed to defy similar laws.
Melbourne’s most senior Catholic also revealed he saw disgraced cardinal and convicted child abuser George Pell in prison about two months ago, as he awaits the outcome of his appeal over his conviction for sexual abuse.
“I think he has a sense of waiting, as anything there would be a psychological agitation about waiting for what’s going to be the outcome of the appeal, but I found him strong spiritually and calm and very conversive,” Comensoli said.
Under the proposed Victorian laws, priests and spiritual leaders face up to three years’ jail if they don’t report child physical and sexual abuse allegations.
Archbishop’s response to mandatory child sex abuse reporting labelled ‘pig-headed’.
“I would expect anyone who is aware of a commission of a crime would have the wherewithal and the personal ethics to report that crime,” Hennessy said.
The Andrews Labor government’s reforms would also allow survivors of institutional abuse to apply to the supreme court to overturn “unfair” compensation settlements previously signed with churches.
Chrissie Foster, who with her late husband fought for years for compensation for their two girls who were abused by a Catholic priest, said there was no excuse for priests who failed to report confessions of abuse.
“The Catholic priesthood tried to get away with a basement bargain deal with all of this. They should pay until they can’t stand up,” Foster said.
In the same bill, anyone denied a working-with-children check for serious crimes such as rape and murder would no longer be able to appeal that refusal.
The Blue Knot Foundation, the national centre for excellence in complex trauma, hit out at the Catholic church’s opposition to the law.
“Whatever justification church authorities present to support this stance, the continued suggestion that the Catholic church is above the secular law of the society in which it operates is unfortunate to say the least,” spokeswoman Dr. Pam Stavropoulos said.
Victoria’s Liberal-National opposition has previously indicated it would back a law mandating priests report child abuse allegations.
But party leader Michael O’Brien on Tuesday said he wanted to see the details of the bill.
“I’d like to think that in Victoria in 2019, we can make sure we can protect kids and we should also be able to respect freedom of religion. Let’s see if the government has got that balance right,” he said.
Crossbench MP Fiona Patten welcomed the government’s move, saying “I think that Jesus would mandatory report”.
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/aug/14/victorian-bill-would-compel-priests-to-report-child-abuse-confessions-or-risk-jail . By: Lisa Martin Australian Associated Press. Accessed- September 18, 2019.
Peer-on-peer abuse is often undetected by parents, who assumed their kids are safe around other kids.
New research has confirmed the alarming number of children sexually abusing other children.
The national survey commissioned by Act for Kids revealed a staggering 24% of child abuse cases involve another child.
It also showed peer-on-peer abuse was often undetected by parents, who assumed their kids are safe around other kids.
Act for Kids released the research ahead of Child Protection Week (September 1-7) to urge parents to take the necessary steps to protect their children online and learn more about the warning signs of problematic sexual behaviors.
The survey of 2,000 people living in Australia revealed, while three quarters blame access to adult content for problematic behaviours, two-thirds of parents still fail to secure their devices and one in two allow their children unsupervised access online.
While there are a number of places children might learn problematic behaviors, easy access to age-inappropriate content is a major factor in influencing these young minds.
Act for Kids program manager Miranda Bain said the survey findings were both surprising and scary,
“There is a lack of knowledge amongst parents of what constitutes problematic sexual behaviours in children and how these behaviors have the potential to lead to more harmful peer-on-peer abuse,” Ms Bain said.
“While there are a number of places children might learn problematic behaviors, easy access to age-inappropriate content is a major factor in influencing these young minds.”
Act for Kids Executive Services Director and Psychologist, Dr. Katrina Lines said, it was vital parents take the necessary steps to protect their children online and learn more about the warning signs of problematic sexual behaviors.
Dr. Lines explains, “Some steps parents can take to protect their kids is making sure they understand normal child sexual development and curiosity and share accurate facts and information about sexuality with their children,”
“I think parents should ensure they spend quality time with their kids doing fun things without technology. Teaching children protective behaviors, especially about private and public body parts is also relevant.”
Reporting my brother to Child Protective Services was the first step in ending a decades-long cycle. *9 minute read
By Emily Miller, Human Parts
Content Warning: Graphic depictions of sexual and physical abuse.
Mom unburdens herself only weeks before she dies. She tells me about Mike’s* abuse against his children. Her revelations confirm what I’ve known since childhood: My brother Mike is dangerous. Mom tells me about the inexplicable holes in walls throughout Mike’s house, how he and his wife ignore the cries of their baby, and how roughly they handle their toddler. What frightens her the most, she confesses, is that when she dies there will be no one left to look after her grandbabies. She doesn’t ask me to replace her, but I can take a hint.
“You fat pig!” Mike yells as he tries to lift his sweaty, four-year-old son from the shopping-cart-like metal basket at the front of the pedicab.
My nephew cries and grabs hold of the sides of the basket, refusing to budge. Mike yanks him once more, only this time a spoke catches my nephew’s bare thigh and punctures it.
Blood bubbles to the surface of my nephew’s stocky leg, then runs down it before soaking into his little white sock. I use my hoodie to try to stanch the bleeding. It won’t stop. “Call 911!” I shout. I try to calm my nephew by singing the Alphabet song. It holds his attention only so far as L-M-N-O-P, so I switch to the Barney song, “Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere… ” Mike pushes me aside. The boys and I look on, saucer-eyed.
Edges blur, leaving but one pulsating truth at the center: Mike has gouged a hole in his son’s leg.
We drive home to Los Angeles. I don’t speak of the incident with my boys, pretending that they’re okay, and so am I. Until I’m not. A few days later, at work, I kick the snack machine in the breakroom because “It won’t release my goddamned Doritos.” My coworkers look up from their sandwiches and stare. I slink back to my desk.
I see a therapist. I tell her about the snack machine, about my nephew, and all the stories I can think of from my childhood — beginning with the original sin.
After adopting two boys, Mom wants a girl. Dad grants Mom her wish, just as he might purchase a diamond bauble she admires in a jewelry store window. They name the baby Sarah*. All seems in order except Sarah’s skin is “ruddy,” this being the word Mom used the one and only time she told me the story, when I was 10. It means “having a healthy reddish color.” I know this because I looked it up in the student edition of Merriam-Webster that I keep atop my molded acrylic desk.
“Not to worry,” a nurse says to my parents. “The pressure in the birth canal can sometimes cause discoloration. Her skin will even out over the next few days.” Dad expresses some concern that the baby appears to be Black. “But the birth certificate says ‘Caucasian,’” counters Mom.
Over the course of the next few months, Sarah’s skin doesn’t lighten. It darkens. Mom and Dad ask questions of the pediatrician, who confirms Dad’s suspicion that the baby is Black. Mom is as shocked as Dad by the news, but she has bonded with her first daughter, and so tries to downplay the plot twist. Dad insists that raising a Black child in an all-white community recently rattled by racial violence would be too much of a hardship for the family and Sarah to bear. Dad arm-twists Mom into giving Sarah up for re-adoption. My brothers, Mike and Andy*, watch as their baby sister is peeled from Mom’s arms by social workers. Their five- and eight-year-old selves fear they, too, will be repossessed.
After I’m adopted — replacing Sarah — my brothers hide me under blankets from anyone who enters our home. I am an adult before it dawns on me that I was adopted into a grieving, frightened home that harbored a humiliating secret.
I wake up to a snap followed by a scream. Is it Andy or Mike this time? Snapgoes the belt again.
“AAAAH!”
It’s Mike.
I’m coloring at my child-sized pink and white desk that Grandpa made when Dad appears in the doorway with a suitcase in one hand and the black and red machine he polishes his shoes with in the other.
“Where are you going, Daddy?”
“I’m leaving, sweetheart.”
“When will you be back?”
“I won’t be back. Come give Daddy a hug.”
Mom goes out to dinner with her new boyfriend, and leaves Mike in charge. He invites me into his bedroom. I’m excited because he’s never let me in his room before tonight. “Have you ever seen a penis?” he asks. The way my heart thumps tells me something’s not right about this question. Still, I don’t want to be banished from my big brother’s inner sanctum so I say, “No. I’ve never seen one.” He unzips his pants. My first impression is that penises are ugly, especially when long and hard with big veins everywhere, like Mike’s is now. I resist what happens next but Mike is 16, and a wrestler. I am seven, and a ballerina. He pushes my face closer and closer to the throbbing organ I know is there but can’t see because my eyes are closed.
“Swallow,” he says, when finished. I gulp. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill you.” I nod, my whole body trembling as I back out of his room.
I stand with my back against the wall as Mike, wielding a butcher knife, chases Andy up the stairs. I run after them down the hallway and enter the guest room as Andy jumps from the second story window into our snowy backyard. When the police arrive, I’m being looked after in the basement by my “Aunt” Grace*, but can hear the voices in the kitchen. Mike tells the police that Andy is on LSD. Mom is crying. Andy is shouting curse words as the police force him to come with them.
The next time I see Andy, he’s much calmer. When I ask Mom what’s happened to Andy, she mumbles, “It must be the shock therapy.” I nod, even though I don’t know what shock therapy is.
Mom sits at the kitchen table with a wooden ruler and a foldout map of the United States. “What are you doing?” I ask.
“I’m trying to figure out which city is furthest from your dad: Los Angeles, California or Portland, Maine.”
The answer is Los Angeles.
After we move, Mom doesn’t help me get ready for school or make me breakfast anymore. She sleeps instead. Mike still wants blowjobs, and Andy gets thrown out of school a few months after we arrive.
“What’s the matter, honey?” Mom asks. “Please tell me, why are you are crying like this?”
It is five years since the last blow job — so many years it’s conceivable that I’ve dreamt it all. I don’t intend to break my oath to Mike, until he calls me “Emily Big Butt” under his breath at the dinner table. It’s anyone’s guess why I crack open this time when I hadn’t all the other times he teased me. I jump up from the table and run to my room. Mom finds me sitting on the edge of my bed. Everything spills out of me in great, heaving sobs. She holds me in her arms until I calm down, then presses her hands into my shoulders, looks me in the eyes and says, “Let’s just keep this our little secret. Okay?” Too upset to consider my options, I sniffle and say “okay.” Mom hugs me again.
I spread out the map on my bed and figure out which college is farthest away from my family.
The next time I mention Mike’s abuse to Mom, I’m in graduate school. I’m standing in the kitchen of my Manhattan railroad apartment. It’s a stiflingly hot summer day and I open windows, trying to create a cross breeze. Mom calls to check on me for the umpteenth time that week. I tell her I’m still depressed only this time I go one step further and share with her my recurring nightmare. The one where Mike is holding a revolver to the back of my head and I wake up when I hear the click.
A while after I hang up, the phone rings again. I hear a small voice on the other end. It takes a second before I realize it belongs to Mike. He explains that he’s calling to apologize for what he did. I have often fantasized about this moment and the verbal vivisection I’d unleash if it ever came to pass. Yet all I feel now is relief. Relief that it wasn’t a dream after all.
I hang up and stare out the kitchen window, watching steam float up from the vents of the Chinese restaurant three floors below. For a moment, I float too, on a cloud of truth, finally visible.
As the session draws to a close, the therapist offers a few healthy coping tips to last me until our next session, which we schedule for the following week. As I gather my belongings, she stops me. “There’s one more thing,” she says. “You should report your brother to Child Protective Services for harming his son.”
“If you don’t, I will,” she adds.
Now I’m the snack machine, and the therapist has just kicked me. I sit on the sofa holding her steady gaze. The seconds tick by as she waits for my conscience to drop into place.
Before it does, I propose a compromise. “How about I confront Mike,” I say. “I’ll demand he treat his children better or I’ll report him.”
The therapist is kind. She patiently explains how I am not going to change my brother’s parenting, and that he’d likely feel attacked and resentful if I try. “In order for him to change,” she says, “he’ll need counseling to understand his own pain and the reasons why he hurts his kids and why he hurt you, Andy, and who knows how many others.”
“You’re not equipped to offer him solutions,” she tells me. “Even if you were, in the time it would take, your nephews would continue to be at risk.”
I finally concede. “I’ll call,” I tell her. “It’s my duty, not yours, to protect my nephews.”
She directs me to a local agency. When I call, a social worker walks me through the process as I jot down notes on the back of an envelope that I keep to this day. But when I mention that my brother is out of state, she informs me that the agency has “no standing” to file a report. I must contact Child Protective Services in my brother’s home state. I hang up, exhausted, but call the next agency.
The social worker takes a “good faith” report over the phone and asks if I have witnessed physical abuse or a pattern of “boundary violations,” or received a disclosure of abuse from a child. I explain what I witnessed while returning the pedicab. I also share everything Mom told me before her death.
After one too many glasses of white zinfandel, Mom’s youngest sister, Aunt Cindy*, lets it slip that Mom was raped by a half-brother I never knew about. Grandpa had chased his son off the farm with a rifle, and the incident was never mentioned again. Deprived at last of the oxygen I’ve fed it all these years, my burning resentment of Mom extinguishes. Sometimes all we know is what we’re taught.
If Mike is contacted by Child Protective Services, he never lets on. I don’t witness further abuse toward his children — only toward his wife who silently absorbs barbs about her weight and clothing, and threats that he’ll leave her if she ever cuts her hair short.
As I learn more about the patterns of abuse, my best self can make out that Mike is simply a scared person hiding inside a scary person. I think back to the belt lashings and wonder, Who abused Dad? I tell myself I’ve finally broken the cycle of abuse — unless I count the times some benign misstep by one of my children triggered a disproportionate response from me.
I ask my boys, now men, “What was it like for you as a child, when I would get crazy angry?” The intellectual one answers, “Which manifestations of your reactivity are you referring to?” We unpack that. The sensitive one replies, “I was scared at times, and didn’t want to upset you because I felt like I would get ripped apart.”
I hadn’t intended to mention this last part, about my fits of rage. But now that I have, should anything happen to me, could you, from time to time, check in on my grandbabies?
*Names have been changed.
If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse, depression or suicidal please review this list of national resources.
By: Emily Miller. Source: humanparts.medium.com/a-legacy-of-abuse-57dab89dde83
In the United States, government authorities respond to a child sexual abuse report every 9 minutes. Recognizing the signs of abuse is the first step in protecting a child who’s in danger. Unfortunately, the signs aren’t always apparent.
Ninety-three percent (93%) of child sexual assault victims already know their abuser. Sexual predators are usually close to the family and in positions of trust, which means that parents and caregivers already have their guards down. It’s hard to fathom that someone in your inner-circle could be capable of violating a child.
#1. The grooming stage.
One thing abusers have in common is their effort to gain trust.
Those efforts may include: gift giving without occasion or reason, allowing the child to witness them giving elaborate gifts to others (attempt to impress), taking the child out to eat, movies, being overly complimentary to the parent and/or child, extra time with one-on-one tutoring or coaching (alone time) trips out of town, and more.
Single moms beware! Initially you may be flattered that this person has taken a special interest in your child, but in reality the abuser sees you and your child as an easy target.
Keep your eye out for the grooming stage!
#2. Common misconceptions.
At least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as adults. Don’t be blindsided!
Research on male childhood sexual abuse concluded that the problem is common, under-reported, under-recognized, and under-treated.
Parents, we must remain as diligent with protecting our sons as we are with protecting our daughters.
MYTH: Men who abuse boys are gay. FALSE.
Studies suggest that men who have sexually abused a boy most often identify as heterosexual and often are involved in adult heterosexual relationships at the time of abusive interaction.
#3. Bedwetting or resuming behaviors they have grown out of.
Resuming behaviors of a younger child such as thumb sucking or wetting the bed are red-flags.
If you have a pre-teen or teenager, don’t dismiss bedwetting as just an isolated incidence. Pay attention!
#4. Unexplained bruising or spots on the sheets.
When children play outside and are involved in sports, a little blood here and there may not be cause for alarm. If you have boys, cuts and bruises are the norm and won’t even warrant a second look.
But, as we now know, any unexplained stains on the sheets or clothing is worth a mini-investigation.
#5. Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age.
Other warning signs include; excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics, asking other children to behave sexually or play sexual games.
A toddler masturbating or mimicking adult-like sexual behaviors with stuffed animals, toys or other objects is a strong sign of sexual abuse.
#6. Typical pedophilia behavior: Tries to be a child’s friend rather than filling an adult role in the child’s life.
– Abusers are often in a positions which give them access to children (i.e. church, coaching, mentoring) either as a career or volunteer.
– The abuser may often talk with children about their personal problems and relationships.
– They may vocalize how much they “love kids” and have several relationships with children outside the scope of their professional realm.
Typical Signs in adolescents:
Violations of trust are betrayals that have lasting effects. Parents, this is a matter of life or death, you can’t be too cautious. Remember, you are not alone. If you suspect sexual abuse you can talk to someone who is trained to help.
National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.
Online Prevention Training- https://www.stopitnow.org/prevention-training-on-demand
References: Rainn.org, Stopitnow.org, 1in6- https://1in6.org/get-information/the-1-in-6-statistic/
The Youth Advocate 