Tag: Featured

Borderline Personality Disorder, what exactly is it?

If you know someone who’s extremely sensitive and triggered about the smallest things, read this.

The majority of my posts bring attention to child sexual abuse, its long-term effects, and prevention. Honestly, I hadn’t heard much about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and didn’t begin researching it (until about a year ago) when someone close to me was diagnosed with it, presumably caused by their childhood trauma.

How is BPD different from common irritability, anxiety or depression? If you or someone you know is extremely sensitive, has explosive anger and volatile/unstable relationships, this post is worth reading.

BPD Simplified

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.

With BPD, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Almost everything in your world is unstable. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships.

People with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive. Some describe it as like having an exposed nerve ending. Small things can trigger intense reactions. And once upset, you have trouble calming down. It’s easy to understand how this emotional volatility and inability to self-soothe leads to relationship turmoil and impulsive—even reckless—behavior.

Borderline personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age.

Causes

Some factors related to personality development can increase the risk of developing borderline personality disorder. These include:

  • Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close relative — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder.
  • Stressful childhood. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused or neglected during childhood.
  • Some people have lost or were separated from a parent or close caregiver when they were young or had parents or caregivers with substance misuse or other mental health issues. Others have been exposed to hostile conflict and unstable family relationships.

A diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is usually made in adults, not in children or teenagers. That’s because what appear to be signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may go away as children get older and become more mature.

Diagnosing Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) manifests in many different ways, but for the purposes of diagnosis, mental health professionals group the symptoms into nine major categories.

In order to be diagnosed with BPD, you must show signs of at least five of these symptoms. Furthermore, the symptoms must be long-standing (usually beginning in adolescence) and impact many areas of your life.

Bipolar disorder vs. Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is a mental (or brain) disorder, while BPD is an emotional disorder. Both disorders are characterized by mood swings, but the length and intensity of these mood swings are different.

The Nine symptoms of BPD

1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

3. Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

5. Self harm. Suicidal behavior or deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

BPD is treatable. Healing is a matter of breaking the dysfunctional patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that are causing you distress. It’s not easy to change lifelong habits.

In the past, many mental health professionals found it difficult to treat BPD, so they came to the conclusion that there was little to be done. But we now know that BPD is treatable. In fact, the long-term prognosis for BPD is better than those for depression and bipolar disorder. However, it requires a specialized approach.

The bottom line is that most people with BPD can and do get better—and they do so fairly rapidly with the right treatments and support.

Help is available right now!

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts self-image, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.

Sources: 1. Mayo Clinic – https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20370242. 2. Helpguide.org- http://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.html

Healing the Harm Done

Great resources, carefully selected, on key topics related to the sexual abuse and assault of boys and men

Here’s a list of carefully vetted resources on key topics related to the sexual abuse and assault of boys and men from 1in6.org. Each has been determined to offer a positive, hopeful message about the potential for healing and recovery and has been found useful by many men with histories of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, as well as the people who care about them. 

Please note that some books may contain graphic content. If you need support, visit the free and anonymous 24/7 national helpline to chat with a trained advocate.

After selecting a category below, you’ll see a list of recommended titles and links to their Amazon pages. For men who are incarcerated, one book is available to borrow for free.

1in6.org, chat confidentially with a trained advocate, 24/7 Chat now

Please share these resources: https://1in6.org/get-information/books-films/

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9 Ways Your Parents Caused Your Low Self-Esteem

It’s not uncommon for childhood trauma to manifest itself well into adulthood. When we start to connect-the-dots, it’s clear to see a direct correlation between certain childhood events and our self-worth. Low self-esteem can be a result of a negative or dysfunctional family environment, but where exactly does it originate? There’s no one answer to this question but here’s a short list of ways your parents may be the root-cause of your low self-esteem.

1. Disapproving Authority Figures

If you grew up hearing that whatever you did wasn’t good enough, how are you supposed to grow into an adult with a positive self-image? If you were criticized no matter what you did or how hard you tried, it becomes difficult to feel confident and comfortable in your own skin later. The fear forced on you for perpetually “failing” can feel blindingly painful.

2. Uninvolved/Preoccupied Caregivers

It’s difficult to motivate yourself to want more, strive for more, and imagine that you deserve more when your parents or other primary caregivers didn’t pay attention – as if your greatest achievements weren’t worth noticing. This scenario often results in feeling forgotten, unacknowledged, and unimportant later. It can also leave you feeling that you are not accountable to anyone, or you may believe that no one in the here and now is concerned about your whereabouts, when that’s actually a carry-over feeling from the past. Feeling unrecognized can result in the belief that you are supposed to apologize for your existence.

3. Authority Figures in Conflict

If parents or other caregivers fight or make each other feel badly, children absorb the negative emotions and distrustful situations that have been modeled for them. It’s scary, overwhelming, and disorganizing. This experience can also occur when one parent is deeply distraught or acts unpredictably around the child. When you were subjected to excessive conflicts between authority figures, it can feel as if you contributed to the fights or to a parent’s painful circumstance. Intense conflicts are experienced as extremely threatening, fear driving, and you may believe you caused it. This feeling of being “tainted” can be carried into adulthood.

4. Bullying (with Unsupportive Parents)

If you had the support of a relatively safe, responsive, aware family you may have had a better chance of recovering and salvaging your self esteem after having been taunted and bullied as a child. If you already felt unsafe at home and the torture continued outside home, the overwhelming sense of being lost, abandoned, hopeless, and filled with self-loathing pervaded your everyday life. It can also feel like anyone who befriends you is doing you a favor, because you see yourself as so damaged. Or you may think that anyone involved in your life must be predatory and not to be trusted. Without a supportive home life, the effects of bullying can be magnified and miserably erode quality of life.

5. Bullying (with Over-Supportive Parents)

Conversely, if your parents were overly and indiscriminately supportive, it can leave you feeling unprepared for the cruel world. Without initial cause to develop a thick outer layer, it can feel challenging and even shameful to view yourself as unable to withstand the challenges of life outside the home. From this perspective, you may feel ill prepared and deeply ashamed to admit this dirty ugly secret about you, even to your parents, because you need to protect them from the pain they would endure if they knew. Instead, you hid the painful secret of what’s happened to you. Shame can cloud your perspective.

Eventually it can seem as if your parents’ opinion of you is in conflict with the world’s opinion of you. It can compel you to cling to what is familiar in your life, because it’s hard to trust what’s real and what isn’t. You may question the validity of your parents’ positive view of you, and default to the idea that you are not good enough or are victim-like and should be the subject of ridicule.

6. Bullying (with Uninvolved Parents)

If your primary caregivers were otherwise occupied while you were being bullied and downplayed your experience, or they let you down when you needed their advocacy, you might have struggled with feeling undeserving of notice, unworthy of attention, and angry at being shortchanged. When the world feels unsafe, the shame and pain are brutal. These feelings could also be evoked if parents were in transitional or chaotic states – so that what happened to you wasn’t on anyone’s radar. If there’s chaos at home, it can be hard to ask for attention or to feel like there is room for you take up space with your struggles. Instead, you may retreat and become more isolated and stuck in shame.

7. Academic Challenges Without Caregiver Support

There’s nothing like feeling stupid to create low self-esteem. If you felt like you didn’t understand what was happening in school – as if you were getting further and further behind without anyone noticing or stepping in to help you figure out what accommodations you needed – you might have internalized the belief that you are somehow defective. You may feel preoccupied with and excessively doubt your own smartness, and feel terribly self-conscious about sharing your opinions. The shame of feeling as if you aren’t good enough can be difficult to shake, even after you learn your own ways to accomodate for your academic difficulties.

8. Trauma

Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse may be the most striking and overt causes of low self-esteem. Being forced into a physical and emotional position against your will can make it very hard to like the world, trust yourself or trust others, which profoundly impacts self-esteem. It may even feel like your fault when it couldn’t be less your fault. Obviously, in these scenarios, there is so much going on at one time that you might need to check out, dissociate, go away. It can make you feel like nothingness. In an effort to gain control of your circumstances, in your head you may have convinced yourself that you were complicit or even to blame. You may have found ways to cope with the abuse, to manage the chaos in ways that you understand are unhealthy, so you may ultimately view yourself as repulsive and seeringly shameful, among a zillion other feelings. 

9. Belief Systems

When your religious (or other) belief system puts you in a position of feeling as if you are perpetually sinning, it can be similar to the experience of living with a disapproving authority figure. Whether judgment is emanating from authority figures or from an established belief system in your life, it can evoke shame, guilt, conflict and self-loathing. Many structured belief systems offer two paths: one that’s all good and one that’s all bad. When you inevitably fall in the abyss between the two, you end up feeling confused, wrong, disoriented, shameful, fake, and disappointed with yourself over and over again. 

It is important to understand that experiencing any of these early circumstances doesn’t mean you must be bound by them as an adult. They will be woven into your fabric and absorbed into your sense of yourself in different ways over time, but there are many paths to feeling that you are better prepared, less fragmented, and more confident moving forward.

As an adult, when you examine your history, you can begin to see that in some cases the derision or intense negative messages you encountered weren’t necessarily meant for you. Rather, they flowed from the circumstances of the people who delivered them. That perspective can help you to dilute the power of the negative messages about yourself you received and formed.

There are some circumstances you may have suffered that may be impossible to understand. You can’t and aren’t expected to understand, empathize or forgive in these circumstances. What matters most is continuing to find ways to feel as okay and as safe as you can in your own life right now.

The more you understand the sources of your low self-esteem and can put them into context, the more you can use your self-understanding to begin the process of repairing self-esteem and living the life you’ve always wanted.

Source: Original article, psychologytoday.com- 2013, by Suzanne Lachmann Psy.D.

Five signs a toddler has been sexually abused

Every nine minutes, government authorities respond to another report of child sexual abuse.

The possibility of children being harmed is always a tough subject for me to talk or write about, but we can never be too careful when it comes to our babies. Every nine minutes, government authorities respond to another report of child sexual abuse. Moms, we must keep the conversation going.

It’s not always easy to spot sexual abuse because perpetrators take extra precautions to hide their actions. Some signs of abuse are easier to spot than others; here’s a comprehensive list of the most common red-flags in toddlers.

1. Personality Changes

A toddler who is being sexually abused may suddenly display personality characteristics not previously seen. For example, your child may seem anxious, insecure or depressed, according to New York University’s Langone Medical Center. Confident children may also become clingy or withdrawn. Some sex abuse victims suffer from low self-esteem and may have trouble making friends their age.

2. Behavior Changes

A young child being sexually abused will often undergo behavior changes as a result of the abuse. Young children, in particular, are likely to begin acting in an age-inappropriate manner. For example, she may begin sucking her thumb or being wetting her pants or the bed even though she is already potty-trained, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. Changes in sleep patterns are also possible, with toddlers having trouble falling asleep or having regular nightmares.

3. Sexual Behavior

A toddler being sexually abused may also begin to display some sexual behaviors. For example, he may act out sexual acts with stuffed animals or other toys or may draw pictures of sexual acts, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. Young children may also masturbate frequently or try to initiate sexual behavior with their friends or siblings.

4. Fear

A young sexual abuse victim may suddenly seem fearful of certain people or situations, including avoiding situations in which she will encounter her abuser. They may be afraid or getting undressed even at appropriate times, such as for bathing, or seem fearful of visiting the doctor or being examined by a health professional, according to Langone Medical Center. Some children also become fearful or going to the bathroom despite earlier success.

5. Physical Signs

Physical signs rarely are noticed in cases of child sexual abuse, according to the Stop It Now! organization. Still, some possible indications of sexual abuse include vaginal or anal discharge; pain or itching in the genital region; frequent urinary tract infections or sore throats; pain while urinating or having a bowel movement; and redness, bleeding, or bruising in the genital or anal area. Some abuse victims also begin to complain of physical ailments such as headaches or stomachaches.

Remember, you are not alone.

If you suspect sexual abuse you can talk to someone who is trained to help. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.

Sources: Rainn.org. / https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children.

https://healthfully.com/signs- childrenof-sexual-abuse-in-a-toddler-5625844.html. Accessed September 22, 2019.

Adult Survivor: It’s Never Too Late to Begin the Process of Recovery

If you are an adult concerned for a friend or loved one who you know or suspect has experienced sexual abuse as a child, your support and understanding can be critical to their recovery.

Adults who have had experiences of sexual abuse as children need and deserve a chance to speak about their experiences with those who understand and can help.

Survivors of child sexual abuse can also play a critical role in the prevention of further abuse to other children. If you or someone you love needs support to recover, now is the time to reach out for help. Find the support you deserve.

If you are a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, it is very important to seek professional support and guidance for your recovery.

The impact of sexual abuse by another child, teen or adult can change over time. The changes unfold as a young person grows into adulthood and continue throughout a lifetime.

Even if you were offered support and resources earlier in life, if you are feeling the need for support at this time, we encourage you to seek the help you need and deserve. You can find resources and support here.

Are you concerned that the person who abused you will harm another child?

If you feel that the person who abused you currently poses a risk to a child or teen, it is important to share your concerns with others who can be allies to you in taking steps to protect this young person. We can help you find allies who share your concerns.

Perhaps you are recognizing signs of risk in the child or the adult. Maybe this child is near the age when you yourself suffered abuse. We urge you to trust your intuitions and act on your instincts by speaking to other adults who can take steps to protect this child.

There are many steps that can be taken before a child is harmed. You don’t have to wait until there is “proof” that abuse has occurred to act.

As a survivor, your experience can help everyone involved.

Learn about the statute of limitations in your state for reporting child sexual abuse. Filing reports about your own abuse (with the support of a counselor) can be a step to take if you believe that the same person who harmed you may have abused someone who is now a minor.

If others are already concerned, your coming forward can help ease the burden of disclosure the child or teen may be facing.

I know an adult survivor.

Care enough to take the risk and talk about it. If you are an adult concerned for a friend or loved one who you know or suspect has experienced sexual abuse as a child, your support and understanding can be critical to their recovery.

There are many resources that can help you to better understand what an adult survivor may be experiencing now and how the recovery process evolves over time. Sharing the resources you find here with the person you’re concerned about is a great place to start.

Support resources for family, friends and partners are important as well – by acknowledging how a loved one’s abuse can personally affect you, you are taking a step in becoming a safe adult for those who experienced sexual abuse.

Source: Stopitnow.org. https://stopitnow.org/help-guidance/online-help-center/adult-survivor. Accessed- September 19, 2019

Priest: I’d Rather Go to Jail Than Report Child Sexual Abuse

Archbishop’s response to mandatory child sex abuse reporting labelled ‘pig-headed’.

Australia- Melbourne’s Catholic archbishop insists three years jail is preferable to breaking the seal of confession and reporting child sexual abuse to authorities.

Priests will risk prison if they don’t report child abuse revealed to them during the sacrament of confession, under new laws introduced in Victoria.

The bill, introduced into state parliament would make religious ministers mandatory reporters of abuse suspicions alongside police, teachers, medical practitioners and early childhood workers.

“I don’t think in contemporary and mainstream times, knowing what we know now, that we can do anything other than say the rights of children trump anyone’s religious views,” the attorney general, Jill Hennessy, told reporters.

“Ultimately this is about making sure that we start to right the wrongs of systemic abuse.”

Archbishop Peter Comensoli said he’d ask someone who admitted abuse to tell him outside the box but if they refused he would “keep the seal”.

“I hold the principle of mandatory reporting … and I also hold onto the principle of the seal of confession. My own position is that I don’t see that as mutually exclusive,” he told ABC Radio on Wednesday.

The archbishop’s office later released a statement saying the church welcomed the proposed expansion of mandatory reporting to include religious ministers, but denied the seal of confession was an obstacle to mandatory reporting.

“Confession doesn’t place people above the law. Priests should be mandatory reporters, but in a similar way to protections to the lawyer/client relationship and protection for journalists’ sources.”

Catholic archbishops in the ACT and South Australia have also vowed to defy similar laws.

Melbourne’s most senior Catholic also revealed he saw disgraced cardinal and convicted child abuser George Pell in prison about two months ago, as he awaits the outcome of his appeal over his conviction for sexual abuse.

“I think he has a sense of waiting, as anything there would be a psychological agitation about waiting for what’s going to be the outcome of the appeal, but I found him strong spiritually and calm and very conversive,” Comensoli said.

Under the proposed Victorian laws, priests and spiritual leaders face up to three years’ jail if they don’t report child physical and sexual abuse allegations.

Archbishop’s response to mandatory child sex abuse reporting labelled ‘pig-headed’.

“I would expect anyone who is aware of a commission of a crime would have the wherewithal and the personal ethics to report that crime,” Hennessy said.

The Andrews Labor government’s reforms would also allow survivors of institutional abuse to apply to the supreme court to overturn “unfair” compensation settlements previously signed with churches.

Chrissie Foster, who with her late husband fought for years for compensation for their two girls who were abused by a Catholic priest, said there was no excuse for priests who failed to report confessions of abuse.

“The Catholic priesthood tried to get away with a basement bargain deal with all of this. They should pay until they can’t stand up,” Foster said.

In the same bill, anyone denied a working-with-children check for serious crimes such as rape and murder would no longer be able to appeal that refusal.

The Blue Knot Foundation, the national centre for excellence in complex trauma, hit out at the Catholic church’s opposition to the law.

“Whatever justification church authorities present to support this stance, the continued suggestion that the Catholic church is above the secular law of the society in which it operates is unfortunate to say the least,” spokeswoman Dr. Pam Stavropoulos said.

Victoria’s Liberal-National opposition has previously indicated it would back a law mandating priests report child abuse allegations.

But party leader Michael O’Brien on Tuesday said he wanted to see the details of the bill.

“I’d like to think that in Victoria in 2019, we can make sure we can protect kids and we should also be able to respect freedom of religion. Let’s see if the government has got that balance right,” he said.

Crossbench MP Fiona Patten welcomed the government’s move, saying “I think that Jesus would mandatory report”.

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/aug/14/victorian-bill-would-compel-priests-to-report-child-abuse-confessions-or-risk-jail . By: Lisa Martin Australian Associated Press. Accessed- September 18, 2019.

Alarming number of children sexually abusing other children, study shows

Peer-on-peer abuse is often undetected by parents, who assumed their kids are safe around other kids.

The national survey commissioned by Act for Kids revealed a staggering 24% of child abuse cases involve another child.

It also showed peer-on-peer abuse was often undetected by parents, who assumed their kids are safe around other kids.

Act for Kids released the research ahead of Child Protection Week (September 1-7) to urge parents to take the necessary steps to protect their children online and learn more about the warning signs of problematic sexual behaviors.

The survey of 2,000 people living in Australia revealed, while three quarters blame access to adult content for problematic behaviours, two-thirds of parents still fail to secure their devices and one in two allow their children unsupervised access online.

While there are a number of places children might learn problematic behaviors, easy access to age-inappropriate content is a major factor in influencing these young minds.

Act for Kids program manager Miranda Bain said the survey findings were both surprising and scary,

“There is a lack of knowledge amongst parents of what constitutes problematic sexual behaviours in children and how these behaviors have the potential to lead to more harmful peer-on-peer abuse,” Ms Bain said.

“While there are a number of places children might learn problematic behaviors, easy access to age-inappropriate content is a major factor in influencing these young minds.”

Act for Kids Executive Services Director and Psychologist, Dr. Katrina Lines said, it was vital parents take the necessary steps to protect their children online and learn more about the warning signs of problematic sexual behaviors.

Dr. Lines explains, “Some steps parents can take to protect their kids is making sure they understand normal child sexual development and curiosity and share accurate facts and information about sexuality with their children,”

Source: www.illawarramercury.com.au/story/6361787/alarming-number-of-children-sexually-abusing-other-children-study-shows/

A Legacy of Abuse

Reporting my brother to Child Protective Services was the first step in ending a decades-long cycle. *9 minute read

By Emily Miller, Human Parts

Content Warning: Graphic depictions of sexual and physical abuse.

1. A Deathbed Confession, 1997

Mom unburdens herself only weeks before she dies. She tells me about Mike’s* abuse against his children. Her revelations confirm what I’ve known since childhood: My brother Mike is dangerous. Mom tells me about the inexplicable holes in walls throughout Mike’s house, how he and his wife ignore the cries of their baby, and how roughly they handle their toddler. What frightens her the most, she confesses, is that when she dies there will be no one left to look after her grandbabies. She doesn’t ask me to replace her, but I can take a hint.

2. Home for the Holidays, 1999

“You fat pig!” Mike yells as he tries to lift his sweaty, four-year-old son from the shopping-cart-like metal basket at the front of the pedicab.

My nephew cries and grabs hold of the sides of the basket, refusing to budge. Mike yanks him once more, only this time a spoke catches my nephew’s bare thigh and punctures it.

Blood bubbles to the surface of my nephew’s stocky leg, then runs down it before soaking into his little white sock. I use my hoodie to try to stanch the bleeding. It won’t stop. “Call 911!” I shout. I try to calm my nephew by singing the Alphabet song. It holds his attention only so far as L-M-N-O-P, so I switch to the Barney song, “Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere… ” Mike pushes me aside. The boys and I look on, saucer-eyed.

Edges blur, leaving but one pulsating truth at the center: Mike has gouged a hole in his son’s leg.

We drive home to Los Angeles. I don’t speak of the incident with my boys, pretending that they’re okay, and so am I. Until I’m not. A few days later, at work, I kick the snack machine in the breakroom because “It won’t release my goddamned Doritos.” My coworkers look up from their sandwiches and stare. I slink back to my desk.

I see a therapist. I tell her about the snack machine, about my nephew, and all the stories I can think of from my childhood — beginning with the original sin.

3. A Story I Was Told About the Child I Replaced, 1962

After adopting two boys, Mom wants a girl. Dad grants Mom her wish, just as he might purchase a diamond bauble she admires in a jewelry store window. They name the baby Sarah*. All seems in order except Sarah’s skin is “ruddy,” this being the word Mom used the one and only time she told me the story, when I was 10. It means “having a healthy reddish color.” I know this because I looked it up in the student edition of Merriam-Webster that I keep atop my molded acrylic desk.

“Not to worry,” a nurse says to my parents. “The pressure in the birth canal can sometimes cause discoloration. Her skin will even out over the next few days.” Dad expresses some concern that the baby appears to be Black. “But the birth certificate says ‘Caucasian,’” counters Mom.

Over the course of the next few months, Sarah’s skin doesn’t lighten. It darkens. Mom and Dad ask questions of the pediatrician, who confirms Dad’s suspicion that the baby is Black. Mom is as shocked as Dad by the news, but she has bonded with her first daughter, and so tries to downplay the plot twist. Dad insists that raising a Black child in an all-white community recently rattled by racial violence would be too much of a hardship for the family and Sarah to bear. Dad arm-twists Mom into giving Sarah up for re-adoption. My brothers, Mike and Andy*, watch as their baby sister is peeled from Mom’s arms by social workers. Their five- and eight-year-old selves fear they, too, will be repossessed.

After I’m adopted — replacing Sarah — my brothers hide me under blankets from anyone who enters our home. I am an adult before it dawns on me that I was adopted into a grieving, frightened home that harbored a humiliating secret.

4. A Belt by Any Other Name, 1966

I wake up to a snap followed by a scream. Is it Andy or Mike this time? Snapgoes the belt again.

“AAAAH!”

It’s Mike.

5. A Memory, 1968

I’m coloring at my child-sized pink and white desk that Grandpa made when Dad appears in the doorway with a suitcase in one hand and the black and red machine he polishes his shoes with in the other.

“Where are you going, Daddy?”

“I’m leaving, sweetheart.”

“When will you be back?”

“I won’t be back. Come give Daddy a hug.”

6. My First Blow Job, 1969

Mom goes out to dinner with her new boyfriend, and leaves Mike in charge. He invites me into his bedroom. I’m excited because he’s never let me in his room before tonight. “Have you ever seen a penis?” he asks. The way my heart thumps tells me something’s not right about this question. Still, I don’t want to be banished from my big brother’s inner sanctum so I say, “No. I’ve never seen one.” He unzips his pants. My first impression is that penises are ugly, especially when long and hard with big veins everywhere, like Mike’s is now. I resist what happens next but Mike is 16, and a wrestler. I am seven, and a ballerina. He pushes my face closer and closer to the throbbing organ I know is there but can’t see because my eyes are closed.

“Swallow,” he says, when finished. I gulp. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill you.” I nod, my whole body trembling as I back out of his room.

7. Shock Therapy, 1970

I stand with my back against the wall as Mike, wielding a butcher knife, chases Andy up the stairs. I run after them down the hallway and enter the guest room as Andy jumps from the second story window into our snowy backyard. When the police arrive, I’m being looked after in the basement by my “Aunt” Grace*, but can hear the voices in the kitchen. Mike tells the police that Andy is on LSD. Mom is crying. Andy is shouting curse words as the police force him to come with them.

The next time I see Andy, he’s much calmer. When I ask Mom what’s happened to Andy, she mumbles, “It must be the shock therapy.” I nod, even though I don’t know what shock therapy is.

8. California Schemin’, 1971

Mom sits at the kitchen table with a wooden ruler and a foldout map of the United States. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“I’m trying to figure out which city is furthest from your dad: Los Angeles, California or Portland, Maine.”

The answer is Los Angeles.

After we move, Mom doesn’t help me get ready for school or make me breakfast anymore. She sleeps instead. Mike still wants blowjobs, and Andy gets thrown out of school a few months after we arrive.

9. Our Little Secret, 1976

“What’s the matter, honey?” Mom asks. “Please tell me, why are you are crying like this?”

It is five years since the last blow job — so many years it’s conceivable that I’ve dreamt it all. I don’t intend to break my oath to Mike, until he calls me “Emily Big Butt” under his breath at the dinner table. It’s anyone’s guess why I crack open this time when I hadn’t all the other times he teased me. I jump up from the table and run to my room. Mom finds me sitting on the edge of my bed. Everything spills out of me in great, heaving sobs. She holds me in her arms until I calm down, then presses her hands into my shoulders, looks me in the eyes and says, “Let’s just keep this our little secret. Okay?” Too upset to consider my options, I sniffle and say “okay.” Mom hugs me again.

10. Karma, 1980

I spread out the map on my bed and figure out which college is farthest away from my family.

11. Truth, 1985

The next time I mention Mike’s abuse to Mom, I’m in graduate school. I’m standing in the kitchen of my Manhattan railroad apartment. It’s a stiflingly hot summer day and I open windows, trying to create a cross breeze. Mom calls to check on me for the umpteenth time that week. I tell her I’m still depressed only this time I go one step further and share with her my recurring nightmare. The one where Mike is holding a revolver to the back of my head and I wake up when I hear the click.

A while after I hang up, the phone rings again. I hear a small voice on the other end. It takes a second before I realize it belongs to Mike. He explains that he’s calling to apologize for what he did. I have often fantasized about this moment and the verbal vivisection I’d unleash if it ever came to pass. Yet all I feel now is relief. Relief that it wasn’t a dream after all.

I hang up and stare out the kitchen window, watching steam float up from the vents of the Chinese restaurant three floors below. For a moment, I float too, on a cloud of truth, finally visible.

12. The Therapist’s Instructions, 1998

As the session draws to a close, the therapist offers a few healthy coping tips to last me until our next session, which we schedule for the following week. As I gather my belongings, she stops me. “There’s one more thing,” she says. “You should report your brother to Child Protective Services for harming his son.”

“If you don’t, I will,” she adds.

Now I’m the snack machine, and the therapist has just kicked me. I sit on the sofa holding her steady gaze. The seconds tick by as she waits for my conscience to drop into place.

Before it does, I propose a compromise. “How about I confront Mike,” I say. “I’ll demand he treat his children better or I’ll report him.”

The therapist is kind. She patiently explains how I am not going to change my brother’s parenting, and that he’d likely feel attacked and resentful if I try. “In order for him to change,” she says, “he’ll need counseling to understand his own pain and the reasons why he hurts his kids and why he hurt you, Andy, and who knows how many others.”

“You’re not equipped to offer him solutions,” she tells me. “Even if you were, in the time it would take, your nephews would continue to be at risk.”

I finally concede. “I’ll call,” I tell her. “It’s my duty, not yours, to protect my nephews.”

She directs me to a local agency. When I call, a social worker walks me through the process as I jot down notes on the back of an envelope that I keep to this day. But when I mention that my brother is out of state, she informs me that the agency has “no standing” to file a report. I must contact Child Protective Services in my brother’s home state. I hang up, exhausted, but call the next agency.

The social worker takes a “good faith” report over the phone and asks if I have witnessed physical abuse or a pattern of “boundary violations,” or received a disclosure of abuse from a child. I explain what I witnessed while returning the pedicab. I also share everything Mom told me before her death.

13. Legacies, 2019

After one too many glasses of white zinfandel, Mom’s youngest sister, Aunt Cindy*, lets it slip that Mom was raped by a half-brother I never knew about. Grandpa had chased his son off the farm with a rifle, and the incident was never mentioned again. Deprived at last of the oxygen I’ve fed it all these years, my burning resentment of Mom extinguishes. Sometimes all we know is what we’re taught.

If Mike is contacted by Child Protective Services, he never lets on. I don’t witness further abuse toward his children — only toward his wife who silently absorbs barbs about her weight and clothing, and threats that he’ll leave her if she ever cuts her hair short.

As I learn more about the patterns of abuse, my best self can make out that Mike is simply a scared person hiding inside a scary person. I think back to the belt lashings and wonder, Who abused Dad? I tell myself I’ve finally broken the cycle of abuse — unless I count the times some benign misstep by one of my children triggered a disproportionate response from me.

I ask my boys, now men, “What was it like for you as a child, when I would get crazy angry?” The intellectual one answers, “Which manifestations of your reactivity are you referring to?” We unpack that. The sensitive one replies, “I was scared at times, and didn’t want to upset you because I felt like I would get ripped apart.”

I hadn’t intended to mention this last part, about my fits of rage. But now that I have, should anything happen to me, could you, from time to time, check in on my grandbabies?

*Names have been changed.

If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse, depression or suicidal please review this list of national resources.

By: Emily Miller. Source: humanparts.medium.com/a-legacy-of-abuse-57dab89dde83

Statute of Limitation, How Does Your State Stack up?

Each state has laws that prevent someone from being prosecuted for a crime after a certain period of time, these are known as statutes of limitations.

When a crime is committed, there is a window of time that a state has to charge the perpetrator. The laws that determine this time frame are called criminal statutes of limitations. As high-profile cases of sexual violence continue to make headlines—and as survivors seek to report crimes—it can help to have a better understanding of these laws and how they vary.

Each state has laws that prevent someone from being prosecuted for a crime after a certain period of time, these are known as statutes of limitations. Some states provide exceptions to their time limits—for example, if DNA evidence is discovered, the state is allowed more time to prosecute.

Use this map to find out how your state compares: https://www.rainn.org/statutes-limitations

Where to report

  • If you know or suspect that a child has been sexually assaulted or abused you can report these crimes to the proper authorities, such as Child Protective Services. Reporting agencies vary from state to state. To see where to report to in your state, visit RAINN’s State Law Database.
  • Call or text the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline at 800.422.4453 to be connected with a trained volunteer. Childhelp Hotline crisis counselors can’t make the report for you, but they can walk you through the process and let you know what to expect.

To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.

Source: https://www.rainn.org/

How To Manage Anxiety When You Feel Like You’ve Tried Everything

If it feels like you’ve tried everything to manage your anxiety, but have yet to find what you’re looking for, keep in mind there are always more options out there.

By Carolyn Steber, Bustle

Constant anxiety can be debilitating, and feeling like you’ve tried everything to get rid of it can add another layer of anxiety in itself.

Sure, the go-to treatments, like medications and therapy, can be a huge help. But they don’t do the trick for everyone — at least not right away — and it’s important to keep that in mind so you don’t feel too frustrated.

Try the following seven holistic ideas:

Read more… www.bustle.com/p/how-to-manage-anxiety-when-you-feel-like-youve-tried-everything-according-to-experts-18138770