Whether or not [parents] actually express more criticism than praise, teens and tweens are particularly susceptible to a distorted way of thinking referred to as mental filtering.
By Alisa Crossfield, Ph.D., Psychology Today
One of the most common complaints I hear from my tween, teen and young adult clients is that theirparentsharp on what they do wrong and never recognize all they do right.
At times, I have heard it from my own kids as well. Though there is the rare occasion when this is an accurate reflection of what parents think, more often one of two things are happening, and often both.
One of the culprits in maintaining kids’ beliefs that parents only see what they do wrong stems from our desire to help them. That desire translates into a never-ending flow of constructive criticism.
Whether or not [parents] actually express more criticism than praise, teens and tweens are particularly susceptible to a distorted way of thinking referred to as mental filtering.
In the United States, government authorities respond to a child sexual abuse report every 9 minutes. Recognizing the signs of abuse is the first step in protecting a child who’s in danger. Unfortunately, the signs aren’t always apparent.
Ninety-three percent (93%) of child sexual assault victims already know their abuser. Sexual predators are usually close to the family and in positions of trust, which means that parents and caregivers already have their guards down. It’s hard to fathom that someone in your inner-circle could be capable of violating a child.
Six child sex abuse signs that can be easily missed:
#1. The grooming stage.
One thing abusers have in common is their effort to gain trust.
Those efforts may include: gift giving without occasion or reason, allowing the child to witness them giving elaborate gifts to others (attempt to impress), taking the child out to eat, movies, being overly complimentary to the parent and/or child, extra time with one-on-one tutoring or coaching (alone time) trips out of town, and more.
Single moms beware! Initially you may be flattered that this person has taken a special interest in your child, but in reality the abuser sees you and your child as an easy target.
Keep your eye out for the grooming stage!
#2. Common misconceptions.
At least 1 in 6men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as adults.Don’t be blindsided!
Research on male childhood sexual abuse concluded that the problem is common, under-reported, under-recognized, and under-treated.
Parents, we must remain as diligent with protecting our sons as we are with protecting our daughters.
MYTH: Men who abuse boys are gay. FALSE.
Studies suggest that men who have sexually abused a boy most often identify as heterosexual and often are involved in adult heterosexual relationships at the time of abusive interaction.
#3. Bedwetting or resuming behaviors they have grown out of.
Resuming behaviors of a younger child such as thumb sucking or wetting the bed are red-flags.
If you have a pre-teen or teenager, don’t dismiss bedwetting as just an isolated incidence. Pay attention!
#4. Unexplained bruising or spots on the sheets.
When children play outside and are involved in sports, a little blood here and there may not be cause for alarm. If you have boys, cuts and bruises are the norm and won’t even warrant a second look.
But, as we now know, any unexplained stains on the sheets or clothing is worth a mini-investigation.
#5. Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age.
Other warning signs include; excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics, asking other children to behave sexually or play sexual games.
A toddler masturbating or mimicking adult-like sexual behaviors with stuffed animals, toys or other objects is a strong sign of sexual abuse.
#6. Typical pedophilia behavior: Tries to be a child’s friend rather than filling an adult role in the child’s life.
– Abusers are often in a positions which give them access to children (i.e. church, coaching, mentoring) either as a career or volunteer.
– The abuser may often talk with children about their personal problems and relationships.
– They may vocalize how much they “love kids” and have several relationships with children outside the scope of their professional realm.
Typical Signs in adolescents:
Self-injury (cutting, burning)
Inadequate personal hygiene
Drug and alcohol abuse
Sexual promiscuity
Running away from home
Depression, anxiety
Suicide attempts
Fear of intimacy or closeness
Compulsive eating or dieting
Violations of trust are betrayals that have lasting effects. Parents, this is a matter of life or death, you can’t be toocautious. Remember, you are not alone. If you suspect sexual abuse you can talk to someone who is trained to help.
National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online atonline.rainn.org.
According to the FBI, sextortion cases are up 60 percent in the last five years.
It can happen in a matter of minutes, but the trauma can stay with victims forever.
Unlike cyberbullying, which most parents know about and discuss with their teens, sextortion isn’t on a lot of parents’ radars, leaving kids unguarded and vulnerable to attacks.
At least 1 in 6 men and boys have been sexually abused or assaulted.
Talking about any type of abuse takes a lot of strength. Today, female victims of sexual assault and abuse may be more comfortable speaking publicly about their experiences and because of that, we’re having the conversation more often. But is it the same for male survivors?
Being a male survivor of child sex abuse is still very taboo and greatly under-reported.
According to 1in6.org and the Center for Disease Control, At least 1 in 6 men and boys have been sexually abused or assaulted.
I’m embarrassed to say that the assault of men and boys, honestly wasn’t on my radar as much as the abuse of girls. Now, I’m laser-focused on prevention so that parents (especially single-moms) aren’t blind-sided.
Four practical ways to help protect your child from pedophiles:
#1 –Have the conversation more than once
Sexual abuse may be an uncomfortable subject for many parents but its literally a matter of life or death. Just because you had ‘the talk’ with your son when he was eight, don’t assume he’d be completely comfortable telling you right away if something happened.
For males, the shame can be unbearable and not worth being judged or not believed.
Keep talking about it! Use various resources if you have to, educational videos and books are still a thing.
The purpose of having the conversation several times, is to make it a familiar, common subject in your household. If something ever happened, your son will know that it’s not his fault, which will help him get past the shame and disclose an incident sooner than later.
#2 –Beware of misconceptions
I was always concerned that while teaching my children to respect their elders, they might perceive that rule as; never question an authority figureoradults are always right. Which we all know is definitely not true!
Psychologists say, the abuser/predator is usually someone close to the family. Help your child understand that not all adults mean them well.
Male survivor.
#3 – Don’t ignore red-flags
It can be easy to miss typical warning signs because depressed individuals are great at hiding their feelings.
Parents, if you have a fleeting thought or inkling that something could be wrong… GO WITH THAT. Get nosey, don’t wait until something happens to comb through your child’s phone and tablet.
It may be helpful to teach your child (of any age), that whenever a person says, “don’t tell anyone“; they’re either about to do something wrong or have already done something wrong.
When it comes to our children, it’s better safe than sorry. No one gets an automatic “trust badge” just because they’re in a noble profession.
Male survivor.
Remember, no one is a pedophile until they’re caught and convicted.
#4 – Never judge a book by its cover
Don’t be caught off guard! Just because someone has a noble title such as; Bishop, Doctor or Police Officer doesn’t automatically make them trustworthy. We would like to think-so, but we don’t live in a perfect world.There are good and bad people in every city, country, religion, ethnicity, and so-on.
Let’s forget credentials, forget the squeaky clean background check, forget that he was once voted mentor-of-the-year, never mind that he’s a former NFL player and now coaches your son.
I’m not saying you should be paranoid, but realistically, things can happen when we least expect it.
Here’s a quick reminder of a few abuse cases that made headline news:
Mary Kay Letourneau – former schoolteacher, two counts of felony second-degree rape.
Jerry Sandusky – former college football coach, Penn State, convicted of rape and child sexual abuse.
R. Kelly – R&B Singer, as of July 2019 singer is facing charges of multiple counts of child pornography, criminal assault, conspiracy to obstruct justice, child sex trafficking and rape of a minor.
Larry Nasser – former USA Gymnastics national team doctor and physician at Michigan State University. Convicted serial child molester.
FACT: At least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, according to leading research. Read about the statistic, find helpful information, chat with a trained advocate through the 24/7 national helpline, join a weekly online support group, view male survivors’ stories, etc. You’re not alone. Visit:https://1in6.org/
The Youth Advocate 