Tag: Relationships

I Want To Tell You About My Suicidal Thoughts

National Suicide Prevention Week: Sunday, September 8 – Saturday, September 14, 2019

By: Amanda Rances Wang, Good Advice – 9/8/2019

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, yet it is still treated with shame and silence. In honor of National Suicide Prevention Week, we’re sharing stories about suicide in order to encourage awareness and combat stigma. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. But by the time I was 29, I thought I had things under control. I took antidepressants and talked to a therapist every week. I had a full life with my husband of three years. Trips were ventured, friends gathered together, and there were plenty of nights on the town. Everything appeared fine from the outside.

It’s just that there’s this one single thing that I slowly began to notice until I could no longer deny its presence in my life. I was gay.

In my mind, being gay meant the destruction of the one thing that I thought kept the demons at bay: my marriage. I was in love and he had this uncanny ability to draw me out from the dark side. Being married to this wonderful person, I thought, would solve all my problems. So now to be gay, and lose him and all that he represented? I wouldn’t dare make that leap. To even think about it was too painful, too terrifying.

I got far enough with my suicidal ideation that I finally shared all my passwords and bank account information with my friend Karen. I also gave her access to my online journal, and she noticed a very disturbing passage about how I had been hurting myself. The next thing I know, my brother knocks on my apartment door. “Is everything okay?” he asks. “Karen told me about what you wrote, are you sure you’re okay?”

I told him I was fine, but he knew me better. That Friday after dinner, my family—my parents, my brother, my husband, and my godmother—were gathered at my parents’ house. In front of everyone, my brother shared that he was concerned about my well-being, and that he noticed I’ve been having a hard time. Then he outed me, right then and there, announcing that I’m gay—revealing the truth that I had only ever written in my journal. Tears started to fall down my husband’s cheeks. He said, “Whatever makes you happy, Amanda. I’ll support it.” You’d think that would make my decision easier and lighten my load, but instead, I thought to myself, “I am one fucking terrible person.”

The self-harm got worse and more frequent after that. I was doing anything to take the edge off and dull the pain. Two weeks later, Karen finally told me, “Amanda, we’ve done all we could. You’ve done all that you could. You’ve seen your therapist, you’re taking meds, you’ve told your husband and your parents, and still it’s not working. It’s time, Amanda. I think it’s time you entered yourself into the hospital.”

It took a long time, but once I was able to manage my symptoms, I was able to come to terms with the reality of who I was.

It was there on the 11th floor of a New York City hospital that my social worker finally puts a name to what I’ve been suffering from most of my life. She begins to read each of the nine symptoms out loud, and with every symptom, I’m convinced she’s reading my biography. “Amanda, have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder?” she asks.

That moment changed my life. Receiving a diagnosis put me on the track to proper treatment (dialectical behavior therapy, which is designed specifically to help people with BPD) and with it, I begin to understand my emotions, my vulnerabilities, and most important of all, what to do when I am feeling suicidal—tools that I never really had before.

It’s been 13 years since I received my diagnosis. I continue to work with a DBT therapist and go to a group class to learn the skills I need to thrive. My therapist has been invaluable to me. She challenges me, keeps me accountable, and helps me build a life I’m happy to live as a proud gay woman. It took a long time, but once I was able to manage my symptoms, I was able to come to terms with the reality of who I was. It was so hard for me to let go of my husband, who gave me hope, stability, and structure—things so important to my mental health—but I had to first believe that I could be those things for myself.

Still, it hasn’t been easy. I continue to work through suicidal thoughts and urges. I have been hospitalized three additional times since my first hospitalization all those years ago. Although I sometimes see those as failures, I ultimately recognize that indeed, they were strides in the right direction. I’m still here, and that has to count for something.

You know what? Maybe that something is courage. People who have been through hell and live in a body and mind that conspire to kill itself are incredibly courageous for not only sticking it out, but for seeking the right professional help to keep them alive. Seemingly insignificant things like talking to the barista, going for a jog, holding ice in your hands, and yes, accepting help when you need it most, are courageous acts in the face of suicide. We must choose courage, no matter how difficult and painful the road ahead of us lies.

Amanda Rances Wang is a digital designer by trade, an advocate for those living with mental illness, and founder of a startup. She lives with her son in Long Island, NY.

Here’s the best way to take care of a friend struggling with suicidal thoughts. And here’s the best way to talk about suicide, according to a psychiatrist.

Source: www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/suicidal-thoughts-depression-help/

How Someone Else’s Depression Can Affect You

As is often said, depression is depressing to be around.

The word depression can mean very different things to different people. When someone says “I feel depressed” to describe everyday blues that come and go, these transient blues are not what mental health professionals mean by the depression.

Generally, clinical depression refers to symptoms that significantly affect a person’s functioning and last for a substantial amount of time.  Most of us go through periods of dysphoric moods with temporary symptoms of depression, but we continue to function normally and recover without professional treatment. 

What causes depression?

Most mental health professionals agree that usually a number of factors, both biochemical and psychological, work together to trigger a depression. Some people, because of their biochemical and genetic makeup, are inherently more vulnerable to depression when they experience life stress than other people who face the same stressors. For example; siblings can grow up in the same household but respond to family dysfunction in completely different ways.

Depression is often missed by either patient or family members because it’s hard to identify. Diagnosing depression often goes hand-in-hand with other mental and physical illnesses. If someone has a physical problem, it could be easy for the depression to be overlooked.

How does your loved one’s depression affect you?

You may be so intent on helping the other person, that you become blind to ways in which you’re being affected.

As time goes by, your own mind and body can also become filled with negative feelings. As is often said, depression is depressing to be around.

Effect on Spouse

As the person closest to the depressed individual, the spouse is often affected first and most. He/she may notice the signs before anyone else; indeed, some people are so good at hiding the signs of their depression that their spouses are the only ones to ever know anything is wrong.

The spouse is also most invested in the depressed person’s happiness. This is a source of strength, insomuch as it gives the spouse reason to help the depressed individual. Unfortunately, it can also be hard on a spouse if treatment is refused or unsuccessful. Prior to a diagnosis, the spouse might feel that they’re a failure for not making their spouse feel happier.

Effect on Children

Children are very malleable. This can be a good thing because it allows them to more easily recover from traumatic experiences, but it also means they are more susceptible to negative emotional environments in the first place. Because they need more positive encouragement and attention as they grow, children are less likely to thrive when one or both parents are depressed.

Like the spouse, children may feel compelled to help take up the family activities that their depressed parent is neglecting, forcing them to “grow up early”. Also like the spouse, children of depressed parents are more likely to develop depression or other mental illnesses in childhood or later In life.

Effect on Extended Family

Away from the nuclear family, depression can still have effects. Family that lives far away may experience anxiety about not knowing how the depressed person is doing or fear of not being kept in the loop. Meanwhile, family that lives nearby may stop visiting due to the negative atmosphere. Concern over the children growing up in such an environment, while justified, can lead to confrontations and acrimony between family members.

Conclusion

Ultimately, if you are depressed, the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to seek or accept treatment. Don’t be afraid that you will not be able to take care of them while you take care of yourself. By focusing on your own healing, you are helping them.

It helps to think of the family as one entity. If one part (you) is sick, the whole suffers, and the emphasis should be on healing the sick part.

Source: http://www.medicaidmentalhealth.org/_assets/file/Guidelines 2017-2018%20Treatment%20of%20Adult%20Major%20Depressive%20Disorder.pdf

Don’t Be Afraid To Rewrite Your Past

Your past, present, and future are all happening right now—at least in your mind.

Something for parents and teens.

According to the Theory of Narrative Identity, developed by scholar and researcher Dr. Dan McAdams, we form our identity by integrating our life experiences into an internalized, evolving story of ourselves which gives a sense of unity and purpose to our lives. 

This life narrative integrates our reconstructed past, perceived present, and imagined future. All three coexist at the same time. Hence, from an experiential standpoint, the past, present, and future are not separate and linear, but holistic and co-occurring. 

In other words, your past, present, and future are all happening right now—at least in your mind. As American writer and Nobel Prize laureate, William Faulkner famously put it, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

When you change the meaning and narrative of your past, you simultaneously change the narrative of your present and future. And vice versa.

Changing the narrative of your present and future simultaneously alters the meaning or narrative of your past. 

The story we hold of ourselves is continually evolving and changing based on the experiences we are having. No, the facts about your past can’t change. But the story you tell yourself about them absolutely can change.

Unfortunately, most people are not strategic about their narrative identity. They aren’t conscious of the meaning-making process they instinctively go through in their day-to-day life, and as a result, they often shape limiting stories based on the emotions they are experiencing. 

Your entire identity and view of the world is a meaning. A story. The questions to ask yourself: Is this story serving you? Is this the story you want to tell?

The story you have in your mind about the world at large and yourself as an individual is far from objective.  Chances are, much of who you believe you are is based on stories that you tell yourself, that have come from experiences in your past. Potentially traumatic experiences wherein you didn’t or haven’t had an empathetic witness help you to positively and powerfully frame those experiences. 

A fundamental aspect of reframing the past is to shift what was formerly seen as a negative experience into a positive one.

Having studied this for over a decade, I’ve never seen a more useful reframing technique that what Dan Sullivan calls, “The Gap and the Gain.”  Continue Reading…

By: Benjamin Hardy Ph.D., https://www.psychologytoday.com

Your adult child resents the way you parented them. Here’s how to handle it.

You can be a good parent and have unintentionally caused hurt in your child.

This 8-step process will help you get through the conversation and build a better relationship with your grown children.

By Nicole Spector

As my husband and I deepen our discussions around family planning, we’re tackling a number of questions about budgeting, housing, childcare, employment and so on. Most of our inquiries are of a fairly practical nature, such as “How can we afford this?”, and “What kind of parental leave can we work out?”

But some of our questions tend to veer into the wild, snake-infested territory of “what ifs”. One of my favorites to ponder, with an urgent hopelessness, is “What if we screw up and our kid grows up to resent us for it?”

It’s an impossible question to answer right now, but in 20 years or so, I might be asking this same question, and justifiably so.

“Even when they do their best, parents fall short regardless and there will be memories and experiences that children find hurtful,” says Lauren Cook, MMFT, a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology at Pepperdine University. “There is no such thing as a perfect parent.”

So what is a parent to do if, after raising their kid as best they could, their grown child begrudges them for how they were raised or how said parent handled a particular issue?

Through consulting numerous therapists, we’ve pieced together a 8-step process detailing how parents can deal with this difficult situation, and ultimately build a better relationship with their grown children.

You can be a good parent and have unintentionally caused hurt in your child.

Continue reading…

— Read on www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/your-adult-child-resents-way-you-parented-them-here-s-ncna1042081

You Don’t Have To Be a Veteran To Have PTSD

Depression is an illness, PTSD is a psychiatric anxiety disorder. It’s possible to have both at the same time.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is extremely different from typical anxiety and depression. Although, depression and PTSD share certain symptoms, many don’t realize that it is possible to experience both conditions at the same time.

You don’t have to be in the military to have PTSD.

According to David Yusko, Psy.D., Perelman School of Medicine,                  PTSD symptoms can develop from experiences involving natural disasters, serious accidents, life-threatening illnesses, physical abuse, and sexual assault during childhood or adulthood.

A traumatic event that precedes the onset of PTSD can be experienced either directly or indirectly by an individual.

Learning how a loved one died a violent death, or watching someone be assaulted, are examples of indirect trauma exposure.

The Difference Between PTSD and Depression

Depression doesn’t just go away overnight, it’s an illness that can be treated with therapy or medication.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychiatric, anxiety disorder that happens after experiencing a horrible event.

Although military veterans constitute a great proportion of cases- PTSD can also be caused by various traumatizing events, for example:

  • Death of a loved one, family member or friend by suicide or homicide
  • Directly experiencing or witnessing traumatic events
  • Serious car accident
  • Physical assault
  • Sexual violation
  • Exposure to actual or threatened death
  • Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
  • Learning that a traumatic events occurred to a close family member or friend

Common Symptoms of PTSD:

  1. Persistent avoidance of distressing memories
  2. Detachment or estrangement from others
  3. Lack of motivation
  4. Thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic events or of external reminders (i.e., people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations)
  5. Insomnia
  6. Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic events (not due to head injury, alcohol, or drugs)
  7. Jumpy/ easily startled
  8. Persistent irritability, anger, lashing out
  9. Nightmares
  10. Memory loss, difficulty recalling recent events unrelated to the trauma
  11. Distorted blame of self or others about the cause/consequences of traumatic events
  12. Persistent fear, horror, guilt, or shame
  13. Exaggerated negative beliefs (e.g., “I’m bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous”)
  14. Diminished interest or participation in significant activities
  15. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions
  16. Numbing or self medicating, drugs and alcohol

Help & Referrals

HelpGuide.org – https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-symptoms-self-help-treatment.htm

American Psychiatric Association – https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd

National Institute of Mental Health – https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

Please visit the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) website to learn more about other treatment options for PTSD. Additional resources include the Center for the Treatment and Study of Anxiety, the VA’s National Center for PTSD, the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and any rape crisis center near you.

Source: https://www.anxiety.org/

The Most Missed Signs That a Child Has Been Sexually Abused

In the United States, government authorities respond to a child sexual abuse report every 9 minutes. Recognizing the signs of abuse is the first step in protecting a child who’s in danger. Unfortunately, the signs aren’t always apparent.

Ninety-three percent (93%) of child sexual assault victims already know their abuser. Sexual predators are usually close to the family and in positions of trust, which means that parents and caregivers already have their guards down. It’s hard to fathom that someone in your inner-circle could be capable of violating a child.

Six child sex abuse signs that can be easily missed:

#1. The grooming stage.

One thing abusers have in common is their effort to gain trust.

Those efforts may include: gift giving without occasion or reason, allowing the child to witness them giving elaborate gifts to others (attempt to impress), taking the child out to eat, movies, being overly complimentary to the parent and/or child, extra time with one-on-one tutoring or coaching (alone time) trips out of town, and more.

Single moms beware! Initially you may be flattered that this person has taken a special interest in your child, but in reality the abuser sees you and your child as an easy target.

Keep your eye out for the grooming stage!

#2. Common misconceptions.

At least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as adults.  Don’t be blindsided!

Research on male childhood sexual abuse concluded that the problem is common, under-reported, under-recognized, and under-treated.

Parents, we must remain as diligent with protecting our sons as we are with protecting our daughters.

MYTH: Men who abuse boys are gay. FALSE.

Studies suggest that men who have sexually abused a boy most often identify as heterosexual and often are involved in adult heterosexual relationships at the time of abusive interaction. 

#3. Bedwetting or resuming behaviors they have grown out of.

Resuming behaviors of a younger child such as thumb sucking or wetting the bed are red-flags.

If you have a pre-teen or teenager, don’t dismiss bedwetting as just an isolated incidence. Pay attention!

#4. Unexplained bruising or spots on the sheets.

When children play outside and are involved in sports, a little blood here and there may not be cause for alarm. If you have boys, cuts and bruises are the norm and won’t even warrant a second look.

But, as we now know, any unexplained stains on the sheets or clothing is worth a mini-investigation.

#5. Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age.

Other warning signs include; excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics, asking other children to behave sexually or play sexual games.

A toddler masturbating or mimicking adult-like sexual behaviors with stuffed animals, toys or other objects is a strong sign of sexual abuse.

#6. Typical pedophilia behavior: Tries to be a child’s friend rather than filling an adult role in the child’s life.

– Abusers are often in a positions which give them access to children (i.e. church, coaching, mentoring) either as a career or volunteer.

– The abuser may often talk with children about their personal problems and relationships.

– They may vocalize how much they “love kids” and have several relationships with children outside the scope of their professional realm.

Typical Signs in adolescents:

  • Self-injury (cutting, burning)
  • Inadequate personal hygiene
  • Drug and alcohol abuse
  • Sexual promiscuity
  • Running away from home
  • Depression, anxiety
  • Suicide attempts
  • Fear of intimacy or closeness
  • Compulsive eating or dieting

Violations of trust are betrayals that have lasting effects. Parents, this is a matter of life or death, you can’t be too cautious. Remember, you are not alone. If you suspect sexual abuse you can talk to someone who is trained to help.

National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.

Online Prevention Training- https://www.stopitnow.org/prevention-training-on-demand

References: Rainn.org, Stopitnow.org, 1in6- https://1in6.org/get-information/the-1-in-6-statistic/

The Bully at Home; When it’s More Than Just Sibling Rivalry

When people talk about toxic family members, they usually speak about a dad they don’t get along with, or a mom who is too controlling. But toxic family members can include siblings too.

Siblings should be friends to lean on, shoulders to cry on, and occasionally scapegoats to put the blame on. However, if you’re now an adult and your relationship growing up harbored more bad than good, such as constant arguments, emotional/verbal abuse, or never-ending competition; you may want to take a step back and ask if it’s worth it to repair the sibling relationship you’ve been dealing with since childhood.

The following six signs will help you determine if it was more than meaningless sibling fights.

  1. You were constantly the butt of all jokes.

Abuse comes in many forms — from name calling, endless insults, hitting, to sexual harassment and more. If you find that your sibling grew up constantly belittling you with harsh words, that’s verbal abuse.

When a married couple argue constantly and rarely have a calm, loving moment, it often ends in divorce. But when siblings fight on a regular basis, too many times it’s dismissed as innocent sibling rivalry.

2. Majority of arguments were over insignificant topics.

If you fought daily, even over something as little as the TV remote, that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Not every little thing should cause a fight.

For young girls, when one of the first male relationships in her life (with a father or brother) is toxic, it can be devastating. Name-calling and making negative comments about her physical appearance can cause her to have poor body image and low self-esteem.

This type of sibling rivalry can have long-term effects on your mental and physical health.

3. You constantly felt controlled or manipulated

It’s common for an older sibling to manipulate a younger one. It gives them a sense of power.

This control could have been used for the better, like encouraging the younger sibling to try the same sport as, but more often than not it’s used for sinister reasons.

4. Lack of Trust

Could you trust your sibling with your secrets? If not, the “sibling bond” was never there.

You may have wanted to confide in your sibling as opposed to a parent. But they waited for the perfect time to spill the beans to the rest of the family or embarrass you in front of friends.

If you couldn’t count on your sibling to keep it a secret, it wasn’t a trustworthy relationship.

5. You stressed about your toxic sibling even when they weren’t around

It’s common to think about a blowout fight the day after it happens; however, if you constantly carried negative thoughts when your sister or brother weren’t around, that’s a different story.

Our family and friends should bring out the “best” side of us. But if bad thoughts of your sibling outweigh the good and negatively affected your schoolwork or job performance, it’s likely you had a toxic sibling relationship.

6. Interactions are still forced

It’s not a good sign if you’re all grown-up and you still prefer to stay away during the holidays.

If you only run into them at family gatherings and have no desire to make plans with them any other time, it’s likely your relationship never outgrew a toxic stage.

Just because they are a family member doesn’t mean that it’s a relationship built on mutual love, respect and support for one another.

You are family by blood and that may be the only connection your relationship is thread together by.

It’s completely normal to want to know “why” the relationship was so toxic. But be empowered with the knowledge that you may never understand why.

“When you are living in constant anxiety never knowing or being able to predict how any engagement is going to turn out, it is time to love yourself enough to let go.”

~Genevieve Shaw Brown, ABCnews.Go.com