I Want To Tell You About My Suicidal Thoughts

National Suicide Prevention Week: Sunday, September 8 – Saturday, September 14, 2019

By: Amanda Rances Wang, Good Advice – 9/8/2019

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, yet it is still treated with shame and silence. In honor of National Suicide Prevention Week, we’re sharing stories about suicide in order to encourage awareness and combat stigma. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. But by the time I was 29, I thought I had things under control. I took antidepressants and talked to a therapist every week. I had a full life with my husband of three years. Trips were ventured, friends gathered together, and there were plenty of nights on the town. Everything appeared fine from the outside.

It’s just that there’s this one single thing that I slowly began to notice until I could no longer deny its presence in my life. I was gay.

In my mind, being gay meant the destruction of the one thing that I thought kept the demons at bay: my marriage. I was in love and he had this uncanny ability to draw me out from the dark side. Being married to this wonderful person, I thought, would solve all my problems. So now to be gay, and lose him and all that he represented? I wouldn’t dare make that leap. To even think about it was too painful, too terrifying.

I got far enough with my suicidal ideation that I finally shared all my passwords and bank account information with my friend Karen. I also gave her access to my online journal, and she noticed a very disturbing passage about how I had been hurting myself. The next thing I know, my brother knocks on my apartment door. “Is everything okay?” he asks. “Karen told me about what you wrote, are you sure you’re okay?”

I told him I was fine, but he knew me better. That Friday after dinner, my family—my parents, my brother, my husband, and my godmother—were gathered at my parents’ house. In front of everyone, my brother shared that he was concerned about my well-being, and that he noticed I’ve been having a hard time. Then he outed me, right then and there, announcing that I’m gay—revealing the truth that I had only ever written in my journal. Tears started to fall down my husband’s cheeks. He said, “Whatever makes you happy, Amanda. I’ll support it.” You’d think that would make my decision easier and lighten my load, but instead, I thought to myself, “I am one fucking terrible person.”

The self-harm got worse and more frequent after that. I was doing anything to take the edge off and dull the pain. Two weeks later, Karen finally told me, “Amanda, we’ve done all we could. You’ve done all that you could. You’ve seen your therapist, you’re taking meds, you’ve told your husband and your parents, and still it’s not working. It’s time, Amanda. I think it’s time you entered yourself into the hospital.”

It took a long time, but once I was able to manage my symptoms, I was able to come to terms with the reality of who I was.

It was there on the 11th floor of a New York City hospital that my social worker finally puts a name to what I’ve been suffering from most of my life. She begins to read each of the nine symptoms out loud, and with every symptom, I’m convinced she’s reading my biography. “Amanda, have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder?” she asks.

That moment changed my life. Receiving a diagnosis put me on the track to proper treatment (dialectical behavior therapy, which is designed specifically to help people with BPD) and with it, I begin to understand my emotions, my vulnerabilities, and most important of all, what to do when I am feeling suicidal—tools that I never really had before.

It’s been 13 years since I received my diagnosis. I continue to work with a DBT therapist and go to a group class to learn the skills I need to thrive. My therapist has been invaluable to me. She challenges me, keeps me accountable, and helps me build a life I’m happy to live as a proud gay woman. It took a long time, but once I was able to manage my symptoms, I was able to come to terms with the reality of who I was. It was so hard for me to let go of my husband, who gave me hope, stability, and structure—things so important to my mental health—but I had to first believe that I could be those things for myself.

Still, it hasn’t been easy. I continue to work through suicidal thoughts and urges. I have been hospitalized three additional times since my first hospitalization all those years ago. Although I sometimes see those as failures, I ultimately recognize that indeed, they were strides in the right direction. I’m still here, and that has to count for something.

You know what? Maybe that something is courage. People who have been through hell and live in a body and mind that conspire to kill itself are incredibly courageous for not only sticking it out, but for seeking the right professional help to keep them alive. Seemingly insignificant things like talking to the barista, going for a jog, holding ice in your hands, and yes, accepting help when you need it most, are courageous acts in the face of suicide. We must choose courage, no matter how difficult and painful the road ahead of us lies.

Amanda Rances Wang is a digital designer by trade, an advocate for those living with mental illness, and founder of a startup. She lives with her son in Long Island, NY.

Here’s the best way to take care of a friend struggling with suicidal thoughts. And here’s the best way to talk about suicide, according to a psychiatrist.

Source: www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/suicidal-thoughts-depression-help/

Alarming number of children sexually abusing other children, study shows

Peer-on-peer abuse is often undetected by parents, who assumed their kids are safe around other kids.

The national survey commissioned by Act for Kids revealed a staggering 24% of child abuse cases involve another child.

It also showed peer-on-peer abuse was often undetected by parents, who assumed their kids are safe around other kids.

Act for Kids released the research ahead of Child Protection Week (September 1-7) to urge parents to take the necessary steps to protect their children online and learn more about the warning signs of problematic sexual behaviors.

The survey of 2,000 people living in Australia revealed, while three quarters blame access to adult content for problematic behaviours, two-thirds of parents still fail to secure their devices and one in two allow their children unsupervised access online.

While there are a number of places children might learn problematic behaviors, easy access to age-inappropriate content is a major factor in influencing these young minds.

Act for Kids program manager Miranda Bain said the survey findings were both surprising and scary,

“There is a lack of knowledge amongst parents of what constitutes problematic sexual behaviours in children and how these behaviors have the potential to lead to more harmful peer-on-peer abuse,” Ms Bain said.

“While there are a number of places children might learn problematic behaviors, easy access to age-inappropriate content is a major factor in influencing these young minds.”

Act for Kids Executive Services Director and Psychologist, Dr. Katrina Lines said, it was vital parents take the necessary steps to protect their children online and learn more about the warning signs of problematic sexual behaviors.

Dr. Lines explains, “Some steps parents can take to protect their kids is making sure they understand normal child sexual development and curiosity and share accurate facts and information about sexuality with their children,”

Source: www.illawarramercury.com.au/story/6361787/alarming-number-of-children-sexually-abusing-other-children-study-shows/

How Someone Else’s Depression Can Affect You

As is often said, depression is depressing to be around.

The word depression can mean very different things to different people. When someone says “I feel depressed” to describe everyday blues that come and go, these transient blues are not what mental health professionals mean by the depression.

Generally, clinical depression refers to symptoms that significantly affect a person’s functioning and last for a substantial amount of time.  Most of us go through periods of dysphoric moods with temporary symptoms of depression, but we continue to function normally and recover without professional treatment. 

What causes depression?

Most mental health professionals agree that usually a number of factors, both biochemical and psychological, work together to trigger a depression. Some people, because of their biochemical and genetic makeup, are inherently more vulnerable to depression when they experience life stress than other people who face the same stressors. For example; siblings can grow up in the same household but respond to family dysfunction in completely different ways.

Depression is often missed by either patient or family members because it’s hard to identify. Diagnosing depression often goes hand-in-hand with other mental and physical illnesses. If someone has a physical problem, it could be easy for the depression to be overlooked.

How does your loved one’s depression affect you?

You may be so intent on helping the other person, that you become blind to ways in which you’re being affected.

As time goes by, your own mind and body can also become filled with negative feelings. As is often said, depression is depressing to be around.

Effect on Spouse

As the person closest to the depressed individual, the spouse is often affected first and most. He/she may notice the signs before anyone else; indeed, some people are so good at hiding the signs of their depression that their spouses are the only ones to ever know anything is wrong.

The spouse is also most invested in the depressed person’s happiness. This is a source of strength, insomuch as it gives the spouse reason to help the depressed individual. Unfortunately, it can also be hard on a spouse if treatment is refused or unsuccessful. Prior to a diagnosis, the spouse might feel that they’re a failure for not making their spouse feel happier.

Effect on Children

Children are very malleable. This can be a good thing because it allows them to more easily recover from traumatic experiences, but it also means they are more susceptible to negative emotional environments in the first place. Because they need more positive encouragement and attention as they grow, children are less likely to thrive when one or both parents are depressed.

Like the spouse, children may feel compelled to help take up the family activities that their depressed parent is neglecting, forcing them to “grow up early”. Also like the spouse, children of depressed parents are more likely to develop depression or other mental illnesses in childhood or later In life.

Effect on Extended Family

Away from the nuclear family, depression can still have effects. Family that lives far away may experience anxiety about not knowing how the depressed person is doing or fear of not being kept in the loop. Meanwhile, family that lives nearby may stop visiting due to the negative atmosphere. Concern over the children growing up in such an environment, while justified, can lead to confrontations and acrimony between family members.

Conclusion

Ultimately, if you are depressed, the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to seek or accept treatment. Don’t be afraid that you will not be able to take care of them while you take care of yourself. By focusing on your own healing, you are helping them.

It helps to think of the family as one entity. If one part (you) is sick, the whole suffers, and the emphasis should be on healing the sick part.

Source: http://www.medicaidmentalhealth.org/_assets/file/Guidelines 2017-2018%20Treatment%20of%20Adult%20Major%20Depressive%20Disorder.pdf

Does Social and Emotional Learning Belong in the Classroom?

Asking if SEL should occur in a classroom is like asking if breathing should happen in the room.

Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) has been gathering traction as a new education trend over the past few years. Back at the start of 2018, EdWeek was noting “Experts Agree Social-Emotional Learning Matters, and Are Plotting Roadmap of How To Do It.” But many folks still haven’t gotten far beyond the “it matters” stage in their plotting.

That’s the easy part. We can mostly agree that SEL matters; in fact, we ought to agree that it already happens in classrooms. It’s impossible to avoid; where children are around adults, SEL is going on.

Asking if SEL should occur in a classroom is like asking if breathing should happen in the room.

The real question is whether or not it should occur in a formal, structured, instructed and assessed manner. That is the question that starts all the arguments. We can break down the arguments by asking the same questions we ask about any content we want to bring into the classroom.

Why do we want to teach this?

Some SEL proponents have developed a utilitarian focus. Summarizing the work of the Aspen Institute National Commission on Social, Emotional and Academic Development, EdWeek said “social-emotional learning strategies center on research that has linked the development of skills like building healthy peer relationships and responsible decision-making to success inside and outside the classroom.” But what happens if we approach what used to be called character education with the idea that it’s useful for getting ahead?

Doesn’t SEL need to be about more than learning to act like a good person in order to get a grade, a job, and a fatter paycheck?

Are you even developing good character if your purpose for developing that character is to grab some benefits for yourself?

We can reject that kind of selfish focus for SEL and instead focus on the “whole child,” and treat SEL, as Tim Shriver (co-chair of that Aspen Institute) and Frederick Hess (of the American Enterprise Institute) wrote, as “an opportunity to focus on values and student needs that matter deeply to parents and unite Americans across the ideological spectrum—things like integrity, empathy, and responsible decision making.” But then we find ourselves with another problem.

What do we want to teach?

If we’re going to adopt SEL in order to essentially teach students to be better people, then who will decide what “better” looks like? Is “tolerance” going to be one of the virtues, and if so, does that mean that students must learn to tolerate persons who would not be tolerated by their families (be that married gay folks or strict religious conservatives)? Should students be taught to feel empathy for everyone, from Nazis to sociopaths?

Source: Forbes.com. Peter Greene, Senior Contributor. Does social and emotional learning belong in the classroom. ww.forbes.com/sites/petergreene/2019/08/22/does-social-and-emotional-learning-belong-in-the-classroom/ Accessed: August 26, 2019.

New Study: Linking Fast Food to Teen Depression

Preteens are known for their defiant attitudes and dramatic mood swings, but over the last decade a much more disturbing characteristic has been increasing: depression.

A new study finds that one culprit may be a high fast-food, low plant–based diet. When researchers at the University of Alabama, Birmingham analyzed urine from a group of middle schoolers, they found high levels of sodium and low levels of potassium.

“High sodium, you’ve got to think of highly processed food,” said lead author Sylvie Mrug, Chair of the psychology department at UAB. “This includes fast food, frozen meals and unhealthy snacks. Low potassium, is an indication of a diet that lacks healthy fruits and vegetables that are rich in potassium, such as beans, sweet potatoes, spinach, tomatoes, bananas, oranges, avocados, yogurt and even salmon.”

The study also found that higher urine levels of sodium, and potassium at baseline, predicted more signs of depression a year and a half later, even after adjusting for variables such as blood pressure, weight, age and sex.

“The study findings make sense, as potassium-rich foods are healthy foods,” said dietitian Lisa Drayer, a CNN health and nutrition contributor. “So, if adolescents include more potassium-rich foods in their diet, they will likely have more energy and feel better overall — which can lead to a better sense of well-being and improved mental health.”

Disturbing trend

Depression among middle schoolers is on the rise. An analysis of national data found the rate of major depressive episodes among kids 12 to 17 within the last year had increased by a whopping 52% between 2005 and 2017.

The rate of depression, psychological distress and suicidal thoughts over the last year among older teens and young adults was even higher: 63%. Many factors could be contributing to the deadly trend among teens, including a chronic lack of sleep, an overuse of social media, even a fear of climate change.

Prior studies have similarly found a link between fast food, processed baked goods and depression in adults. One study in Spain followed almost 9,000 people over six years and found a 48% higher risk of depression in those who ate more highly processed foods.

Small sample, more research needed

The new study was small — only 84 middle school girls and boys, 95% African-American from low-income homes. But the methods were solid: They captured overnight urine samples to objectively test for high sodium and low potassium at baseline and again a year and a half later. Symptoms of depression were gathered on both occasions during interviews with the children and their parents.

But the study could only find an association between sodium and depression, not a cause and effect, and much more research needs to be done, Mrug said.

“It might also be true that a poor diet could be linked to other risk factors for depression, such as social isolation, lack of support, lack of resources and access to healthcare and substance abuse,” Drayer said.

“It might be hard to tease out if diet is the factor or simply a marker for other risk factors for depression.”

Healthy foods for teens:

Hard Boiled Eggs, Apples, String-cheese, Soft pretzels, Almonds, Peanut butter, anything with calcium.

Girls need extra iron:

  • Beef
  • Poultry
  • Pork
  • Clams
  • Oysters
  • Eggs

Good non-meat sources of iron include:

  • Vegetables (including spinach, green peas, and asparagus)
  • Beans
  • Nuts
  • Iron-fortified breads, cereal, rice, and pasta.

A multivitamin with 100% or less of the Daily Value for iron, vitamin D and other nutrients fills in the gaps in less-than-stellar diets.

CNN Health. Fast food and Teen Depression. https://www.cnn.com/2019/08/29/health/fast-food-teen-depression-wellness. Accessed August 30, 2019.

Encouraging Quotes for Teens

Send texts of encouragement today! A list of “text ready” inspirational quotes for teens.

The only people who’ll be happy when you give up, are the ones who said you couldn’t do it in the first place.

Trust, love, believe and accept – do all these to yourself before to others. It’s the only way to win the biggest fight of your life… the one within.

The best revenge is to prove all of them wrong.

“Sometimes when you are in a dark place you think you have been buried, but actually you have been planted.”

“Take a deep breath, it’s just a bad day not a bad life.”

Life isn’t worth being someone who you’re not just so that you can spend time with people who don’t like you for who you are.

Smart is the new pretty.

Don’t argue with stupid people, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with their experience.

Being perfect is overrated. Being real is the new sexy.

Life is like a game. You must level-up if you want to win.

Bad times are like the weather. They eventually pass.

Obama, Gates, Zuckerberg, Bieber, Beyonce, Jordan, Bezos, Musk… every single person who’s come along and left a mark has done so because of a simple fact – they did not let the opinions of others change who they were.

“Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.” – Stephen R. Covey

“Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough.”

Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair.

If you want to be a winner, hang around with winners.

Don’t be a victim of negative self-talk, remember you are listening.

“God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls and coal into diamonds using time and pressure. He’s working on you too.”

“Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can!”

Never let a bad situation bring out the worst in you. Stay positive and be the strong person that God created you to be!

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come.

“There’s something in you that the world needs.”

“A little progress everyday adds up to big results.”

“You are stronger than you know. More capable than you ever dreamed. And you are loved more than you could possibly imagine.”

“Look for something positive in each day even if some days you have to look a little harder.”

“Stop beating yourself up, you’re a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.”

How To Help Your Teen Manage Morning Anxiety

As adults, some mornings getting out of bed isn’t easy and it’s mainly because of our massive to-do lists. Commonly, [and especially] for working moms, there’s a list for “work” and another equally, extensive list for “home” (i.e. car maintenance, domestic stuff, the kids schedules, etc.).

Many parents experience anxiety related procrastination, which can be more intense on Monday mornings, sometimes starting as early as Sunday. It’s no surprise that teens often feel the same way about school as we feel about work.

Although the stress is completely justified, there are ways to stave-off that familiar jolt of panic that hits during the first moments of the day.

Morning anxiety prevention actually starts the night before.

Here are a few tips that can help your teen fend-off morning anxiety.

  1. Don’t allow your teen to sleep with their phone.

Broken sleep and waking up with the phone right next to their head, experts find that doing so can jeopardize sleep quality, and cause more anxiety.

Before mandating that all phones be put in a separate room at bedtime, brace yourself for all the ‘attitude’ coming your way.

While trying to implement this in my own home, one excuse was, “But mom, I need my phone because I use the alarm to wake up in the morning”. Here are a couple of solutions designed specifically for this excuse: (1) Buy an old-school clock and put the phone in another room, or (2) Put the phone on airplane mode. This way they won’t get any alerts from Instagram but the alarm will still sound when it’s time to get up in the morning.

2. Share the benefits of writing down stressful thoughts before bed.

The thoughts that flood our minds in the morning might actually be leftover from the night before. Research shows that writing down what’s on your mind before you go to bed can help you let go of those thoughts, and set yourself up for success the following day.

Teach your child to take a few minutes before bedtime to jot down the worries running through their head, whether it’s big or small. This way they’ll also be able to see what’s causing them stress.

3. Help your teen to recognize time-zappers, especially during study time.

Mastering solid time management skills are extremely important for adolescents. Have them to make a list of the usual deflections (social media, TV, gaming,Youtube, oversleeping, etc.).

Next, allow your teen to decide how to organize time spent on each (making necessary edits of course). Since Sunday is technically a school night, restraint with those time-zappers should be practiced Sunday through Thursday. Emphasize the benefits of self-control and delayed gratification which are all extraordinary, transferrable life-skills.

4. Teach Time Management Techniques.

Time management is a tough skill for many adults and teens alike to master. But once a teen has the techniques they need to properly manage what needs to be done, they are far less likely to procrastinate.

Calendar updates. This one works like a charm for my family. In today’s world, kids are practically glued to their phones, but this dependency can be used to their advantage.

Starting in middle school, tweens should add daily assignments and upcoming exams into their cell phone calendar from their school planner every night.

Preparing for school the night before could be the single most important task on this list. Remind them to put everything they need in one pile so they don’t have to check again in the morning.

5. The key to success is preparation.

Encourage a habit of checking the weather report for the following day so they can get a better idea of how they should dress.

If you have a daughter who dresses according to how she ‘feels’, it’d be a good idea to have her get her clothes out for the entire week. This way if she has a mood swing in the morning, there are four additional outfits ready to go. This will save a ton of time and frustration in the morning. Trust me, I know.

At some point we all experience some level of anxiety but, if we can reduce or avoid it, why not?! It’s just preventative maintenance.

For more articles like this, follow the Youth Advocate Magazine on Flipboard: flip.it/bDfmwB

Don’t Be Afraid To Rewrite Your Past

Your past, present, and future are all happening right now—at least in your mind.

Something for parents and teens.

According to the Theory of Narrative Identity, developed by scholar and researcher Dr. Dan McAdams, we form our identity by integrating our life experiences into an internalized, evolving story of ourselves which gives a sense of unity and purpose to our lives. 

This life narrative integrates our reconstructed past, perceived present, and imagined future. All three coexist at the same time. Hence, from an experiential standpoint, the past, present, and future are not separate and linear, but holistic and co-occurring. 

In other words, your past, present, and future are all happening right now—at least in your mind. As American writer and Nobel Prize laureate, William Faulkner famously put it, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

When you change the meaning and narrative of your past, you simultaneously change the narrative of your present and future. And vice versa.

Changing the narrative of your present and future simultaneously alters the meaning or narrative of your past. 

The story we hold of ourselves is continually evolving and changing based on the experiences we are having. No, the facts about your past can’t change. But the story you tell yourself about them absolutely can change.

Unfortunately, most people are not strategic about their narrative identity. They aren’t conscious of the meaning-making process they instinctively go through in their day-to-day life, and as a result, they often shape limiting stories based on the emotions they are experiencing. 

Your entire identity and view of the world is a meaning. A story. The questions to ask yourself: Is this story serving you? Is this the story you want to tell?

The story you have in your mind about the world at large and yourself as an individual is far from objective.  Chances are, much of who you believe you are is based on stories that you tell yourself, that have come from experiences in your past. Potentially traumatic experiences wherein you didn’t or haven’t had an empathetic witness help you to positively and powerfully frame those experiences. 

A fundamental aspect of reframing the past is to shift what was formerly seen as a negative experience into a positive one.

Having studied this for over a decade, I’ve never seen a more useful reframing technique that what Dan Sullivan calls, “The Gap and the Gain.”  Continue Reading…

By: Benjamin Hardy Ph.D., https://www.psychologytoday.com

A Legacy of Abuse

Reporting my brother to Child Protective Services was the first step in ending a decades-long cycle. *9 minute read

By Emily Miller, Human Parts

Content Warning: Graphic depictions of sexual and physical abuse.

1. A Deathbed Confession, 1997

Mom unburdens herself only weeks before she dies. She tells me about Mike’s* abuse against his children. Her revelations confirm what I’ve known since childhood: My brother Mike is dangerous. Mom tells me about the inexplicable holes in walls throughout Mike’s house, how he and his wife ignore the cries of their baby, and how roughly they handle their toddler. What frightens her the most, she confesses, is that when she dies there will be no one left to look after her grandbabies. She doesn’t ask me to replace her, but I can take a hint.

2. Home for the Holidays, 1999

“You fat pig!” Mike yells as he tries to lift his sweaty, four-year-old son from the shopping-cart-like metal basket at the front of the pedicab.

My nephew cries and grabs hold of the sides of the basket, refusing to budge. Mike yanks him once more, only this time a spoke catches my nephew’s bare thigh and punctures it.

Blood bubbles to the surface of my nephew’s stocky leg, then runs down it before soaking into his little white sock. I use my hoodie to try to stanch the bleeding. It won’t stop. “Call 911!” I shout. I try to calm my nephew by singing the Alphabet song. It holds his attention only so far as L-M-N-O-P, so I switch to the Barney song, “Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere… ” Mike pushes me aside. The boys and I look on, saucer-eyed.

Edges blur, leaving but one pulsating truth at the center: Mike has gouged a hole in his son’s leg.

We drive home to Los Angeles. I don’t speak of the incident with my boys, pretending that they’re okay, and so am I. Until I’m not. A few days later, at work, I kick the snack machine in the breakroom because “It won’t release my goddamned Doritos.” My coworkers look up from their sandwiches and stare. I slink back to my desk.

I see a therapist. I tell her about the snack machine, about my nephew, and all the stories I can think of from my childhood — beginning with the original sin.

3. A Story I Was Told About the Child I Replaced, 1962

After adopting two boys, Mom wants a girl. Dad grants Mom her wish, just as he might purchase a diamond bauble she admires in a jewelry store window. They name the baby Sarah*. All seems in order except Sarah’s skin is “ruddy,” this being the word Mom used the one and only time she told me the story, when I was 10. It means “having a healthy reddish color.” I know this because I looked it up in the student edition of Merriam-Webster that I keep atop my molded acrylic desk.

“Not to worry,” a nurse says to my parents. “The pressure in the birth canal can sometimes cause discoloration. Her skin will even out over the next few days.” Dad expresses some concern that the baby appears to be Black. “But the birth certificate says ‘Caucasian,’” counters Mom.

Over the course of the next few months, Sarah’s skin doesn’t lighten. It darkens. Mom and Dad ask questions of the pediatrician, who confirms Dad’s suspicion that the baby is Black. Mom is as shocked as Dad by the news, but she has bonded with her first daughter, and so tries to downplay the plot twist. Dad insists that raising a Black child in an all-white community recently rattled by racial violence would be too much of a hardship for the family and Sarah to bear. Dad arm-twists Mom into giving Sarah up for re-adoption. My brothers, Mike and Andy*, watch as their baby sister is peeled from Mom’s arms by social workers. Their five- and eight-year-old selves fear they, too, will be repossessed.

After I’m adopted — replacing Sarah — my brothers hide me under blankets from anyone who enters our home. I am an adult before it dawns on me that I was adopted into a grieving, frightened home that harbored a humiliating secret.

4. A Belt by Any Other Name, 1966

I wake up to a snap followed by a scream. Is it Andy or Mike this time? Snapgoes the belt again.

“AAAAH!”

It’s Mike.

5. A Memory, 1968

I’m coloring at my child-sized pink and white desk that Grandpa made when Dad appears in the doorway with a suitcase in one hand and the black and red machine he polishes his shoes with in the other.

“Where are you going, Daddy?”

“I’m leaving, sweetheart.”

“When will you be back?”

“I won’t be back. Come give Daddy a hug.”

6. My First Blow Job, 1969

Mom goes out to dinner with her new boyfriend, and leaves Mike in charge. He invites me into his bedroom. I’m excited because he’s never let me in his room before tonight. “Have you ever seen a penis?” he asks. The way my heart thumps tells me something’s not right about this question. Still, I don’t want to be banished from my big brother’s inner sanctum so I say, “No. I’ve never seen one.” He unzips his pants. My first impression is that penises are ugly, especially when long and hard with big veins everywhere, like Mike’s is now. I resist what happens next but Mike is 16, and a wrestler. I am seven, and a ballerina. He pushes my face closer and closer to the throbbing organ I know is there but can’t see because my eyes are closed.

“Swallow,” he says, when finished. I gulp. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll kill you.” I nod, my whole body trembling as I back out of his room.

7. Shock Therapy, 1970

I stand with my back against the wall as Mike, wielding a butcher knife, chases Andy up the stairs. I run after them down the hallway and enter the guest room as Andy jumps from the second story window into our snowy backyard. When the police arrive, I’m being looked after in the basement by my “Aunt” Grace*, but can hear the voices in the kitchen. Mike tells the police that Andy is on LSD. Mom is crying. Andy is shouting curse words as the police force him to come with them.

The next time I see Andy, he’s much calmer. When I ask Mom what’s happened to Andy, she mumbles, “It must be the shock therapy.” I nod, even though I don’t know what shock therapy is.

8. California Schemin’, 1971

Mom sits at the kitchen table with a wooden ruler and a foldout map of the United States. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“I’m trying to figure out which city is furthest from your dad: Los Angeles, California or Portland, Maine.”

The answer is Los Angeles.

After we move, Mom doesn’t help me get ready for school or make me breakfast anymore. She sleeps instead. Mike still wants blowjobs, and Andy gets thrown out of school a few months after we arrive.

9. Our Little Secret, 1976

“What’s the matter, honey?” Mom asks. “Please tell me, why are you are crying like this?”

It is five years since the last blow job — so many years it’s conceivable that I’ve dreamt it all. I don’t intend to break my oath to Mike, until he calls me “Emily Big Butt” under his breath at the dinner table. It’s anyone’s guess why I crack open this time when I hadn’t all the other times he teased me. I jump up from the table and run to my room. Mom finds me sitting on the edge of my bed. Everything spills out of me in great, heaving sobs. She holds me in her arms until I calm down, then presses her hands into my shoulders, looks me in the eyes and says, “Let’s just keep this our little secret. Okay?” Too upset to consider my options, I sniffle and say “okay.” Mom hugs me again.

10. Karma, 1980

I spread out the map on my bed and figure out which college is farthest away from my family.

11. Truth, 1985

The next time I mention Mike’s abuse to Mom, I’m in graduate school. I’m standing in the kitchen of my Manhattan railroad apartment. It’s a stiflingly hot summer day and I open windows, trying to create a cross breeze. Mom calls to check on me for the umpteenth time that week. I tell her I’m still depressed only this time I go one step further and share with her my recurring nightmare. The one where Mike is holding a revolver to the back of my head and I wake up when I hear the click.

A while after I hang up, the phone rings again. I hear a small voice on the other end. It takes a second before I realize it belongs to Mike. He explains that he’s calling to apologize for what he did. I have often fantasized about this moment and the verbal vivisection I’d unleash if it ever came to pass. Yet all I feel now is relief. Relief that it wasn’t a dream after all.

I hang up and stare out the kitchen window, watching steam float up from the vents of the Chinese restaurant three floors below. For a moment, I float too, on a cloud of truth, finally visible.

12. The Therapist’s Instructions, 1998

As the session draws to a close, the therapist offers a few healthy coping tips to last me until our next session, which we schedule for the following week. As I gather my belongings, she stops me. “There’s one more thing,” she says. “You should report your brother to Child Protective Services for harming his son.”

“If you don’t, I will,” she adds.

Now I’m the snack machine, and the therapist has just kicked me. I sit on the sofa holding her steady gaze. The seconds tick by as she waits for my conscience to drop into place.

Before it does, I propose a compromise. “How about I confront Mike,” I say. “I’ll demand he treat his children better or I’ll report him.”

The therapist is kind. She patiently explains how I am not going to change my brother’s parenting, and that he’d likely feel attacked and resentful if I try. “In order for him to change,” she says, “he’ll need counseling to understand his own pain and the reasons why he hurts his kids and why he hurt you, Andy, and who knows how many others.”

“You’re not equipped to offer him solutions,” she tells me. “Even if you were, in the time it would take, your nephews would continue to be at risk.”

I finally concede. “I’ll call,” I tell her. “It’s my duty, not yours, to protect my nephews.”

She directs me to a local agency. When I call, a social worker walks me through the process as I jot down notes on the back of an envelope that I keep to this day. But when I mention that my brother is out of state, she informs me that the agency has “no standing” to file a report. I must contact Child Protective Services in my brother’s home state. I hang up, exhausted, but call the next agency.

The social worker takes a “good faith” report over the phone and asks if I have witnessed physical abuse or a pattern of “boundary violations,” or received a disclosure of abuse from a child. I explain what I witnessed while returning the pedicab. I also share everything Mom told me before her death.

13. Legacies, 2019

After one too many glasses of white zinfandel, Mom’s youngest sister, Aunt Cindy*, lets it slip that Mom was raped by a half-brother I never knew about. Grandpa had chased his son off the farm with a rifle, and the incident was never mentioned again. Deprived at last of the oxygen I’ve fed it all these years, my burning resentment of Mom extinguishes. Sometimes all we know is what we’re taught.

If Mike is contacted by Child Protective Services, he never lets on. I don’t witness further abuse toward his children — only toward his wife who silently absorbs barbs about her weight and clothing, and threats that he’ll leave her if she ever cuts her hair short.

As I learn more about the patterns of abuse, my best self can make out that Mike is simply a scared person hiding inside a scary person. I think back to the belt lashings and wonder, Who abused Dad? I tell myself I’ve finally broken the cycle of abuse — unless I count the times some benign misstep by one of my children triggered a disproportionate response from me.

I ask my boys, now men, “What was it like for you as a child, when I would get crazy angry?” The intellectual one answers, “Which manifestations of your reactivity are you referring to?” We unpack that. The sensitive one replies, “I was scared at times, and didn’t want to upset you because I felt like I would get ripped apart.”

I hadn’t intended to mention this last part, about my fits of rage. But now that I have, should anything happen to me, could you, from time to time, check in on my grandbabies?

*Names have been changed.

If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse, depression or suicidal please review this list of national resources.

By: Emily Miller. Source: humanparts.medium.com/a-legacy-of-abuse-57dab89dde83

This is how to rewire your brain for happiness: 4 secrets from research

“Thoughts determine feelings.”
Remember that. Make a note. Get a tattoo.

This is an awesome article which can apply to anyone, at any age. Especially teens.

By Eric Barker, TheLadders.com

Someone compliments you and you think, “They don’t mean it.” Something good happens and you hear, “I don’t deserve this.” You’re meeting new people and it’s, “They won’t like me.”

And you usually accept those words because they’re coming from inside your head. It’s like the horror movie where the calls from the killer are coming from inside the house.

These are called “automatic thoughts.” And they suck. But we all know the answer: you just need to think happy thoughts, right? Wrong. Let’s get our psychology lessons from somewhere other than Instagram memes, alright? “Think happy thoughts” doesn’t help unless you don’t need help.

From The Confidence Gap:

Their study, entitled “Positive Self-Statements: Power for Some, Peril for Others,” … showed that people with low self-esteem actually feel worse after repeating positive self-statements such as “I am a lovable person” or “I will succeed.” Rather than being helpful, these positive thoughts typically triggered a strong negative reaction and a resultant low mood.

So when you’re really feeling down, happy cliches won’t cut it. Nope. So we’re gonna need to science the hell out of this one. We need to rewire your brain, bubba.

From Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders:

This new approach— cognitive therapy— suggests that the individual’s problems are derived largely from certain distortions of reality based on erroneous premises and assumptions. These incorrect conceptions originated in defective learning during the person’s cognitive development. Regardless of their origin, it is relatively simple to state the formula for treatment: The therapist helps a patient to unravel his distortions in thinking and to learn alternative, more realistic ways to formulate his experiences.

It’s not hard or expensive, but it’s gonna take some practice. (Look, if you can spend 10 minutes taking a Facebook quiz to find out which Harry Potter character you are, you can spend 5 minutes a day to live a happier life, alright?). And once you get good at this it won’t just make you happier — these techniques are proven to help with all kinds of issues from procrastination to anxiety to anger.

From Thoughts and Feelings:

Challenging automatic thoughts is a powerful way to counter perfectionism, curb procrastination, and relieve depression and anxiety. It is also helpful in treating low self-esteem, shame and guilt, and anger. The techniques in this chapter are based on the cognitive therapy of Aaron Beck (1976), who pioneered this method of analyzing automatic thoughts and composing rational comebacks to refute and replace distorted thinking.

We’re gonna get some solid answers from Dr. Matthew McKay’s “Thoughts and Feelings” and even roll psychologically old school with UPenn professor Aaron Beck’s 1979 classic “Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders.”

Let’s get to it…

Cognitive Therapy 101

“Thoughts determine feelings.” Remember that. Make a note. Get a tattoo. This powerful idea goes back thousands of years to the Stoics. Aaron Beck even quotes Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus (the Biggie and Tupac of Stoicism) in his book.

From Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders:

If thou are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs thee, but thine own judgment about it. And it is in thy power to wipe out this judgment now. – Marcus Aurelius

“Always trust your feelings” sounds sweet but you wouldn’t tell that to someone with a phobia, a hoarding problem, or — god forbid — homicidal impulses, would you? No. Teenagers and golden retrievers are excellent at blindly following their feelings but neither are regularly consulted on their decision-making skills. Continue reading…